tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89755054948691171352023-06-20T21:27:01.481-07:00MOSTLY HYPOTHETICAL MOUNTAINSJ. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-32617898503351999422011-07-13T08:27:00.000-07:002011-07-13T08:28:36.749-07:0021. PRE-EPILOGUE / CLARIFICATION OF SIGNIFICANT IMAGES<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In final, sun-filled days of the “Done-In-The-Sun Summer Genocide Concert Series” on planet Earth, in which the Bed Bugs financed a mass migration of those counted among the living to blood-retrieval executive sweat-shops in what was recently Hell proper, the Earth basked and spun silently, save for the austere purr of the occasional Jet-Pack. After a while, the mountains sifted any themed-debris that lay between them down into the bowels of the valley and on out into space, sighing audibly all the while. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> The Bed Bugs had decided to undertake a massive renovation of human consciousness, which was to take place inside thousands of weapons-grade modules mounted in deep space. The whole project was funded by the wholesale absorbing of the Earth’s economy by the Bed Bug’s daring to inject patented products and advertising that served intensely physiological human needs into a market dominated by worthless intellectual properties. After making a profoundly opaque deal with Satan to purchase Hell and the ‘Hell’s Restaurant’ franchise, which served a drug compound rapidly causing a free-market inspired gold-rush to Hell, the Bed Bugs had enough of a blood supply at their disposal to create the vital metadata reduction of DNA the human consciousness program required to operate.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> The Bed Bugs had spent their whole existence observing from the fairly intimate vantage point of mattresses the way our global civilization operates, and decided that for humanity to have one class of people who toil without dignity so that the other class can explore matters of consciousness and awareness-of-the-potentiality-for-the-existence-of-wishful-thinking-inspired-alternate-realities-related issues at their leisure, would be a compassionate and culturally sensitive way to gradually transition them naturally into the next level of their evolution. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Oblivious of their recent non-consensual conception, their unlikely, but undeniably exquisite, Reality-Based, snowflake-shaped physical form; and the fact that each one of them was an absolute </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">miracle</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> of Bed Bug ingenuity; the people who had been created by the Bed Bugs lived simply, housed solely within the physical representations of their internal projections and the visible, cumulative manifestation of very old, totally unrelated, nomadic space debris from a previous age. Each engineered consciousness was it’s own master, and lived without need, since no one lacked anything that everyone else did not also lack. The things that did exist independently of them, that no one could tell you when or how they got there, or if they had been made or fell from the sky, or what; were treated with reverence and awe.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “Smell that?” he said alertly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “What?” he whispered brusquely, eyes darting with able-bodied apprehension.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “Frozen Pizza close by. Smells like it’s wafting from that clearing by the river.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> His companion put his nose to the air. “Yes! I can smell it! It’s incredible.” He put a hand slowly on the Panini grill hanging from his belt.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “What are you doing?” he hissed. “That Frozen Pizza is a free agent! You cannot take him against his will anymore than you can just pluck a patent from out of the sky or put a river in the microwave! We must speak to it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> The two approached the Frozen Pizza respectfully, so as not to surprise it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “Hello, Pizza.” They nodded ceremoniously.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “Hello, little ones,” replied the Pizza sonorously.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “We couldn’t help but notice your delicious, naturally-occurring smell.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “Yes,” he rolled over and said laboriously, “I like to sit in the sun when I can’t sleep.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “Can’t sleep? What troubles you, ancient one?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “I am haunted by terrible dreams of late. I see visions of a time when my people were consumed mercilessly, and seemingly without end. I have never known anything like it in my time here; here in this wonderful place.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “When did you arrive here?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “We have always been here. Here with the otters, among the fields of camera phones, with tiny, joyous bed bugs scuttling underfoot. I have spent many an afternoon sitting by the river, telling humorous stories of folly featuring the bumbling, immaterial jester Satan and his hard-headed, but impressionable, mythological friend, The Murdered Girl. Here with the gorillas under the twinkling patents, suspended in the canopy of night. I have always been here, I am as old as the camera phone’s ringtone.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “You are the scenery,” they said in awe.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “As you are mine, little one, though certainly the youngest of our siblings,” the Pizza chuckled affectionately. “Do you have something to ask of me? Surely you are not content to just listen to me ramble on and on!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> The two stared at the ground and said quietly, “Frozen Pizza, we are hungry.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> The Frozen Pizza closed his eyes slowly and said with peaceful abandon, “And I am far too old and talk too much! Please, consume me, for I have lived long enough, and I perceive any need that exists to exist for all of us. Just make sure to share me evenly. I grow weary of these dreams, and, besides, I have drunk deeply of paradise. It is time for me to see the ocean. I can see in my old age that being cooked by you would be my life’s ultimate purpose, and your highest honor.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> The two assembled a smattering of people at the river and sang “Goin’ The Distance” deep into the night, reveling in the Frozen Pizza’s retelling of his fantastical dreams around the glow of the microwave. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> “I have seen a place where human children, drunk on victory, consume me and my people under even the most marginal of celebratory circumstances. No matter our quality or ingredients, we were exclusively associated with communal, ritualistic joy. We ceased to exist for what we were and became only what we represented.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Eventually he fell asleep to the chorus of far-off Sea-Otters and the humans thankfully consumed their precious brother, leaving no part to waste.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> By the time the effects of rampant population growth due to the Bed Bugs’ steady supply of human DNA became unsubtle, the scenery had provided a storehouse of collective wisdom for the young human consciousnesses of the snowflakes, and they bureaucratically set their hands to the fashioning of a deeply flawed deck of cards to commemorate the lessons nature had bestowed on them: <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE SEA OTTER<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Sea Otter, typically associated with the month of October, primarily represents sacrifice, though, more often than not, futile in nature. From Sea Otter to Sea Otter there are very few exclusive traits available to distinguish one from the next, contributing to the difficulty in discerning whether or not the Sea Otter you've drawn has made a sacrifice pertinent to you specifically. If The Satan card appears in conjunction with the Sea Otter, it is more than likely that the sacrifice implied is irrelevant to your circumstances. The Sea Otter is also often associated with roadway safety, purple, inaccuracy, clarifying dialogue, luminous re-contextualization, sexual lethargy, shovel, recognition of arbitration, metaphysically dubious exercises, and unwavering indifference to mystery.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE MURDERED GIRL<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Murdered Girl represents ideological imperialism in the face of radically unsolicited relocation. Her resilience compels her to quantify and tag newly encountered animate symbols with, previously non-existent, persono-emotional significance. She has no need for universal realities, so long as the ones of her fashioning are existentially sound. She is ruthless in her dedication to cultivating a language with which to address a rapidly-changing personal reality. The Frozen Pizza card is her only foil, otherwise she will determine the context and tone of any reading she appears in. The Murdered Girl is most commonly associated with the number one million, rings, unwarranted expectations, an excess of water, indigestion, valid dining experiences, blood density, Western Panting, breaching isolation, contortion, free Tuesdays, internalization of rejection, Mommy issues, dissonance, doubt and light.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE ANIMATRONIC ALBINO GORILLA<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Animatronic Albino Gorilla card signifies perceived ascendance, paralyzing duality, and existential snacking. When in the vicinity of The Gorilla card, it can be almost as benign and youthful in it's folly as a Bed Bug card, but when in conjunction with something like the Murdered Girl, it can signify any number of unmentionables, from financial gonorrhea to regressive shame seizures. The Animatronic Albino Gorilla card indicates the presence of jazz, heart surgery, conversational forgery, barbeque, high-concept uphill walking, hypothetical mountains, roadway hallucination recovery, whittling, Mellow Sword, harmonic fakery, biscuit flour, basket-ball shoes, plasma and bile.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE GORILLA <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Gorilla card represents reality-based economic principles and a series of anonymous creative successes predicated almost </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">entirely </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">on a deficit of lust. The Gorilla card can undermine the influence of nearly any card in the Deck save for The Murdered Girl or The Mattress, even when upside down. He will neutralize any indirect illumination The Animatronic Albino Gorilla may be co-opting, depending on it's position in the hand. The Gorilla represents blood retention, organic redemption, folksy punishments, non-actualized resentment, bowel disentanglement, involuntary breathing, the reasonable expectation of a non-terrifying future, language-based intercourse, resource-driven industriousness, temporary employment, early onset childhood water-sickness, racking laughter and porch-light.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE SATAN <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Satan Card represents principled self-loathing, addictive causality, and ham fists. He symbolizes the stupidity of allowing yourself to have been created without free will. He most closely resembles what evil looks like in the hands of the Benevolent Manager. It is not uncommon for this card to be a harbinger of nearsighted business-related impulses, dormant pity, forceps, child misplacement, chocolate croissants, cognitive transmutation, patricidal purging, satirical night terrors, irrelevant magazine subscription, sarcastic trembling, office re-purposing, multiple middle-child complexes, and thoughtfully retroactive consideration of options. The Satan Card itself is mostly harmless, but when emulated by another card in the hand, his effect can be devastating. That almost never happens, though.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE FROZEN PIZZA <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Frozen Pizza depicted in the Frozen Pizza Card is seen hanging high in the black-hole-black night sky, perpetually out of cycle with the sun, preventing it's ever being cooked thoroughly. More than anything else, The Frozen Pizza represents confusion. As long as the Frozen Pizza looms over a reading, there is no hope for clarifying dialogue. The Sea Otter is totally decommissioned by it. It casts a subverting luminescence on everything in it's vicinity, and draws people to it by emitting a faint Pizza-Themed smell just as it and the sun converge for a moment before daybreak. The Frozen Pizza is sure to manifest befuddlingly Caribbean gates, sexual dyslexia, questionably relevant foreshadowing, tremendous deductive leaps, abstraction-based pricing, camera phones, ethically morbid scenarios, lighting cigarettes for drunk teenagers with learning disabilities, literal representations of metaphorical depictions, antique software, resource-driven economies, vital bureaucratic mantling, political ambition and sustenance-based espionage.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE CACTUS ENCOUNTER<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Cactus Encounter Card represents illuminating violence and chaffing perspective. An "encounter with The Cactus" reminds us that nature is blameless in all it does, majestic or assaultive. Sometimes both simultaneously. The Cactus goes on to remind us that </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">we</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> are, in fact, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">part</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> of nature, and that parts of Nature-themed nature, at least, only </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">own</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> a few basics (if you're insistent on looking at it from that perspective), and maybe it's high-time you stop making ultimately arbitrary distinctions between Nature-themed nature and the variety of Nature that includes you. This card is to be avoided at all costs. If you're doing a reading with someone else, ask them, politely, if they could run and get you a bucket of ice tea or something because this reading stuff makes you </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">thirsty</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> and, while they're in the other room, put the card back at the bottom of the deck where you're </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">sure</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> you won't accidentally draw it again. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE BED BUGS<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Bed Bugs Card is far and away the favorite of lost, or otherwise, children, by virtue of it's colorful depiction of a merry Bed Bug picnic, replete with bouncing balloons, sand castles, barbeque grills roasting unidentified meats, and a nothing-short-of-gay maypole circled by plump, swaying Bed Bugs flying around on Jet-Paks in their spring best. The Bed Bug Card is welcome in any reading as it is a surefire indicator of new beginnings, plentiful resources, wild horse islands, language-based hallucinations, mandatory dancing, incredible views, erotic obligations, the accumulation of delightful knick-knacks, the illumination that comes with shedding knick-knacks, handless flight, community-based recreational pet-touching rentals, temperate climates, airline preferences of an exotic nature, foreign parting phrases, and knowing better.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE MATTRESS<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">(Sometimes referred to as:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE BLACK CANVAS)<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The drawing of The Mattress Card denotes a reconfiguration of reliable context. It pertains to a physical, and more often ideological, sense of place. Bed Bugs are the most common inhabitants of the interior of The Mattress, while Mr. _____, the Animatronic Albino Gorilla, and The Gorilla are exclusively found above it. Satan and The Murdered Girl typically reside underneath it, but when paired can explore the top-side. Bed Bugs have the freedom to traverse to the top of The Mattress as well, but, for them, to journey below means certain peril. The Mattress can be sourced for many things, though it is regularly taken for granted, and thus, rendered invisible to most. The Mattress serves to highlight competing Realities, Ordinary and Non-Ordinary; non-refundable metaphysical encounters, Jet-Paks, blood-storage, theme restaurants, the year 1992, non-repeating, practically symbolic correlations; corrupted information-inspired device removal, patented Reef Co.'s Out Of Sight, Out of Mind Alternative Coping Medication, acute Oneirophobia, interactive advice submersion, orange, romantic constipation, hung juries, carpet and upholstery aesthetic congruency, video game proposals, warrior phantoms and Death-Euphorics. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE MR. _____<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Mr. _____ Card is a card in the deck with biographical information about the illustrator, and features a Non-Eco-Ad-chastisement on the back. This instructional pamphlet advises that you dispose of the card immediately so as to not compromise the accuracy of your reading.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">THE BENEVOLENT MANAGER<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Benevolent Manager Card is, historically, the most recent addition to the official deck. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Upon the evolutionary emergence of hands, thousands of years into the snowflake experiment, the first things to be stolen were the intellectual properties embedded in the images represented in this deck of cards. It was of utmost importance to certain members of the community, representing those born closest to the river, to make sure there was an ideological infrastructure in place to secure the exclusivity and imposed universality of the images’ meanings. Naturally, the infrastructure itself would need someone who most innately resembled the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">idea</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> of "infrastructure" to simultaneously </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">regulate</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> the infrastructure's duties, while acting as an intermediary </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">between</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> the infrastructure and the people too busy hunting and harvesting. Eventually "infrastructure" was replaced with the folk-ism "Pant-ent", named such after the wet, anxious sound people would make when considering the prospect of their interpretations of the cards being questioned, and with the emergence of some contemporary dialect mutations, it's etymological evolution wound down at "Patent". Interpretive authority was a pretty nuanced claim, and you had to be a real fast talker. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">One such fast talker had bested just about every hypothetical challenger in the mundane interactions he regarded as speed-trial elections and was soon instituted as history's first Benevolent Manager of Patents. His role was to preside over the logistical considerations necessary when you decide to make sense of the world in terms of what can be owned and owed. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Benevolent Manager Card is surefire, Reality-Based Proof that the following will spontaneously materialize almost immediately in your Ordinary Reality:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">equally distributed resources, delegated in terms of most need; an air-sealed metric for determining the inherent own-ability of objects, objectified or otherwise; a sense of accomplishment upon acquiring arbitrarily property-based consumables, the peace of mind that when starting at the bottom, you are guaranteed to get to the top, if you do it right; that you have the right to be reimbursed for your observations, that you will not go insane with grief when others who live closer to the river determine your observations were just patented Universal Ideas you had inadvertently run into while staring deep into your camera phone, the validity of intellectual knick-knacks, you deserve Old Man's love, you can be everywhere, no one will have to die to reach the hypothetical mountain-top ever again, information deserves no special treatment, and be a good tipper</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-83112042361726700942011-07-13T08:19:00.000-07:002011-07-13T08:26:02.771-07:00BEGINNING OF PART TWO - 'HIGH CONCEPT UPHILL WALKING' / 20. INTUITIVE AIRPORTS<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I’d only been in Babylon about a week before an energy healer approached me in the parking lot asking if I had any carpentry experience.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I told her I had a limited skill-set, no college education, and a flamethrower in my van so, chances were, I could probably help her with whatever.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Glorious, for I am moving this week and I just have this shelf I can’t get down. I only live a block away.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> On the trip to her house (We made a few detours along the way. Out of nowhere she produced an Otter-Skin shawl and instructed me to take off all my clothes right there on the last highway meridian in the clinical mid-day swelter of Walden’s Pant and put it on, but without thinking about the animal skin itself, just the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">act </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">of putting it on. I would think about the day I put that animal skin on for the first time for countless, unbroken years; she then proceeded to apply heavy eye shadow and stage make-up meant to simulate the look of honest mountain dirt all over my parts not newly concealed by the Otter Skin. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Now, before we start dismantling anything, you’re going to have to disassociate manually. We’ll have to run a few errands.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Old Man’s Old Man had made a fortune fixing tools. He was perpetually one extraneous step removed than the rest of us of ever were from dismantling anything. He built building, and was better for it, they’d have you believe. I happen to. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> We made our way through several formative episodes, few of which resembled the way I had been syndicating them internally for millions of years, mostly by virtue of the fact that, this time, everyone involved was generally reacting more to the presence of a heavily made-up Otter-clad caveman flanked by an energy healer incapable of not irreversibly flipping real-estate in other people’s subconscious, than they were at, what was, the ever expanding bulls-eye of my reanimated adolescence. We watched the 4</span></span><sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">th</span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, 5</span></span><sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">th</span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, and 6</span></span><sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">th</span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> grades combined-aged manifestation of me get punched in the stomach by Kristin on the first day of 4</span></span><sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">th</span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, 5</span></span><sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">th</span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, and 6</span></span><sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">th</span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> grades combined. I immediately hit the ground, hoping to convince everyone assembled that the force of the blow had been such that it had not been unreasonable for me to instantaneously begin sobbing. Not the “me” of the memory, but the “I” in the animal skin. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “There you are” she said, bending over my blubbering, beaten body. “You must protect yourself. See, he’s fine. He’s laughing.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I looked over and saw me laughing cruelly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Once I had volunteered my body completely to the service of retroactively absorbing every modicum of physical and non-physical disservice I had ever been thrown in front of, I approached myself full of grace. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “I don’t mind, I’m glad I could help” I managed thoughtfully through the blisters, ruffling his blond-turning-brown hair. I was finally learning how to really love myself selflessly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> He apparently wasn’t as conscious of the sub-text as I was and replied impishly, “You’ve made me a monster. All so </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> can live free. I didn’t need you to do that. This is my experience, like it or not. I wish you hadn’t interfered.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “I’m sorry,” I said, head down. “I sacrificed your autonomy so I could dismantle this lady’s stupid shelving.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Well, it’s not just her shelving, is it? It’s everybody’s. You just can’t resist. I hope it’s really satisfying.”) she asked what-it-is-I-do-exactly other than listen to energy healers with defective shelves make uncannily-accurate unintentional metaphors regarding the way I perceive the energy healing profession in general for a few hours every afternoon.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “I’m writing a book,” I said. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Oh, crystals, how wonderful! What is it about?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “It’s a non-linear, multi-format, adventure-satire attempting to dismantle the infrastructure of ownership, as told by several quasi-fictional unreliable narrators.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> The healer presumably refrained from rolling her multiple eyes, though she had her back turned to me when she proclaimed on a conversationally unrelated note, “This place looked so much better with all my beautiful stuff in it!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I pointed out that her observation seemed a little base given her spiritual responsibilities.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Oh no, I don’t mean ‘stuff’ stuff!” She laughed to acknowledge the obvious potential for confusion, on my part. “I mean, my oils, my beads, my sea otter jawbones, my teas, my feathers, my vibrations, my purpose, my energy, my camera phone, my dreams, my dream journal, my nightmare voicemail, my jihad kit, my Thoreu cards, a signed copy of “Deeply Damaged: What Perpetually Discrediting My Personal Mythology Failed to Teach Me”, you know, things that are laden with so many spiritual abstractions as to render them totally immaterial. ‘Television’, for example, is stuff.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “I don’t know. Sounds like knick-knacks,” I might as well have said to no one.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> There were some crystals going absolutely ape-shit on the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Fear!” she screamed at the crystals. “Fear! Fear! Fear!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> The crystals abruptly stopped vibrating.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “That’s better. Yes, television, for example, is stuff. Unless, of course, you are watching a Shamanic instructional video or a sunset. The process by which ‘knick-knacks’ are alchemized into magical tools that can interface with alternate realities is called ‘traumatic-conception’ and…” <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I was examining the unbelievably convoluted network of shelves lining the walls. I could only assume they had been installed by a fellow energy healer. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “I’m not totally sure where to begin with this,” I interjected.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Just start anywhere. We have to address the spiritual component of the shelves first, anyway.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> She rang some bells, unwrapped and ignited a package of instant sage and accidentally set the shelves on fire. She stood back and cooed, “You have to account for alternate realities.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “But you’re just ringing bells and burning sage in </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">this</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> reality,” I observed. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> (The truly alternate reality was one wherein a competent craftsman with cabinetry experience dealt with this.)<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “See how the shelves just disappear effortlessly?” she asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Well, they’re on fire,” I said, without accounting for the alternate reality wherein we burn her house down and die. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Changing gears before any clarifying dialogue could occur, she clarified, “Well, it doesn’t really matter where we begin.” She added, “Do you realize planes are technically off-course ninety percent of the time?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I pointed out that, sometime in the near future, navigational software will undoubtedly be able to assure that planes are technically on-course all the time, and that particular metaphor for the, or any, journey will be obsolete. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “No, it will still work. There will always be something that’s off-course.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “So you think maybe evolution is off-course ninety percent of the time?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Precisely.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Do you think our perceptive faculties dedicated to the observation of potential realities fall into that percentage?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Absolutely not!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Well, if we are constantly manufacturing things, like planes and hypothetical future vehicles, like jet-packs or something; that are consistently ninety percent off-course, doesn’t that in some way imply that the people designing them and subsequently generating metaphors with a cultural expiration date are systemically flawed?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Fear!” she screamed at me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I stopped talking.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “See, fear has a low vibration level. </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">That’s</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> why you stopped talking.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “I stopped talking because you screamed at me.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Well, in part, but mostly due to variables you are too untrained to recognize. Please bear in mind: I have science </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">and</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> magic on my side of this argument.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Ten percent of them.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “No, it’s possible to be one hundred percent sure of </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">spiritual</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> issues. Technology is wholly different.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Isn’t language a technology?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “No, language is poetry, and poetry is magic.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “What differentiates airplanes and poetry, exactly?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “One is guided by the spirit and one is guided by man. It’s important to learn how to identify the two, for one is far more real than the other.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “So if we started manufacturing airplanes according to spiritual specifications they would be on-course all the time.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Yes.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Why isn’t the spirit interested in revealing itself through more pragmatic means, like accurate air traffic control?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Because being off-course teaches us how to be more on-course. That is the spirit’s purpose.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Then why use the off-course metaphor in the first place? Once you become ‘on-course’ do you stop being able to discern ways in which being ‘off-course’ is trying to show you how to be more ‘on-course’?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> She smiled and nodded with eyes closed as if to say, “Now you’re getting it. The question </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">is </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">the answer, because you and I are not really talking about anything, anyway.” and proceeded to sum things up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Well, you’re off-course until you believe what I believe, and </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">then</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> the, or any, metaphor becomes obsolete because at that point you realize the metaphor </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">is</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> the reality and vice versa.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “If you demote this whole waking existence to a metaphor for what’s only potentially occurring internally, isn’t that dangerously close to nihilism?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> The shelves were roaring, and no one seemed to care.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> The energy healer shrugged her shoulders indifferently.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “So, if people come into contact with what you believe they’ll be transformed, just by the inherently transformative component of your information, beyond the need for metaphors?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Yes. It turns out metaphors are far more real than the things they are meant to clarify.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “So, it’s just a matter of exposing as many people as possible to your beliefs.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Yes, but, unfortunately, there’s no efficient way to do that.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “What about television?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “I’ve tried that, but technology is ninety percent flawed.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Sky-writing?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “That requires an airplane, and they’re </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">never</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> where they’re supposed to be.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Have you ever had a pilot as a client?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Yes, but typically, they immediately cease to be pilots and become energy healers. Interestingly enough, I was originally a commercial airline pilot. I don’t even </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">need</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> my hands for flying anymore.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Unfortunately, as mentioned before, one of Hell’s ‘A’ markets were airport Eating Promenades, which explained the Death-Euphoria induced terminal case of ‘off-course’ headed towards the energy healer’s house, manned by somebody exactly where they needed to be in their life. I hallucinated in awe as the cabinets were effectively removed from the walls. I didn’t have time to tally, but I wouldn’t need it. I only had an instant to reflect on the realization that I never truly appreciated the actual nature of a violent impact. Every explosion I had ever watched for View-Tainment purposes seemed fluffy and lethargic. Somewhere in my unconscious I had collected hundreds of instances where I had seen archival blockbuster footage of a bomb or an absolute evil obliterating something and thought, “That doesn’t seem so bad.” I didn’t realize then I was entertaining that thought simultaneously every time my powdered wig, harpsicord, fingers-greasy-with-white-tiger-meat brand of anemic, worthless sympathy would gurgle in my bowels and belch absentmindedly through my obscenely straightened teeth which had been corrected via more money than it would take to rebuild a village. As ashamed as anyone living in the sweet spot of human history, and ultimately complicit with more heinous crimes than Patented Life has ever witnessed, due to the literally awesome (Surf’s up!) disproportionate relationship between the world’s ills and the relative ease with which a laughable percentile of the wealth and technology abundant in the landscaped campuses of the civilization could relieve them, I managed somehow to massage the aesthetic details of what I assumed an explosion must feel like into something not dissimilar from sitting in a crowded hot tub, bobbing for shrapnel in slow motion. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Among the passengers of said airplane, on which it was never confirmed whether any major characters were on board, were two people headed somewhere so boring to do such boring things that the even most boring of conversations imaginable offered a brief respite from aforementioned boredom.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “What you reading there?” one of the passengers asked once the flight entered its terminal phase wherein small talk is guaranteed to brief and ended by forces outside the contributors control.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “This here? It’s a self-help book called ‘Humpy Tantrum’s Attempted Rituals’. I felt so alone in the world until I read this book about how ultimately we’re all profoundly alone in the world, and realized there were others out there who felt just like me. It’s more or less a humanist screed. And you?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> “Why I’m reading ‘Humpy Tantrum’s Attempted Rituals’ as well.” He then proceeded to open the emergency hatch and fall uniformly through space so as to not have wasted his revelation that he was, truly, all alone in the world. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> The fire never registered as hot, the volume never registered as </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">loud</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> exactly, mass never seemed to be displaced </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">too </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">violently and the structure (hut, prison, whatever) that had been there moments before (mostly as a inevitable variable in a physical manifestation of an ideological object lesson) never resembled anything all that significantly permanent. </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-55942084638676869992011-05-01T12:26:00.000-07:002011-05-01T12:28:25.943-07:0019. SARAH: POTENTIAL NON-GORRILA (-ed.), EXPANDED<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">No one heard her for a long, long time. Long enough, in fact, for her to learn that no one heard her at all.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Sarah started to assign characteristics to this hypothetical non-hearing non-person. She, she was a "she", was quite young, had brown braids, dressed smartly, and didn't quite like being left alone for long, long periods of time. So she made herself some company. Some little girls, not too terribly different from her. They all had brief, cruel, nonsensical lives cut off abruptly by realistic-looking Satanists, who's numbers were dwindling, adding to the cruel randomness of the act.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Sarah decided to break the silence and speak:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Hello, little girl. Why are you crying?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "I'm crying because I was just murdered and now I'm here and I have no idea what's going on or what I'm supposed to do."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Well, that's a very good reason to cry."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Thank you, that makes me feel so much better."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "I'm glad, everyone deserves to be made to feel better."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Come to think of it, people deserve a lot of things."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Like what?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Well, people who don't listen to other people deserve to never be listened to, that's for sure."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Good thing I listened when I did."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "I'll say, or you never would have met me."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "I made millions of girls, just like you, to keep me company, but they were all murdered just when I got to know them."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "That's very sad."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "It makes me want to cry."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "I would, but I know no one would hear me."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "That doesn't seem like a very good reason not to cry."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Who are you hugging?", asked a sea otter.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Where did you come from?", asked Sarah.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "The ocean. I was washed up on the shore a long time ago."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "What's the ocean?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Well, the ocean is a powerful and mysterious thing that sea-otters have no control over that gets to decide which sea-otters get washed up on the beach to die and which get to die underwater."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "That reminds me of someone I was talking to just now." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "We found an island once where non-themed waiters and Bed Bugs lived in peace, and decided to amass on the shore and bark until someone answered why we can't live in peace with the ocean."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Did it work?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "No, it was a miserable racket. One day, everyone on the island mysteriously died almost instantaneously and we just went back into the water."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "What's water?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Water is what the ocean is made of. When you have a small amount of it you can use it for drinking, cooking, washing, or playing, but when you have a lot of it, it becomes the ocean."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "What's playing?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Playing is what you do when you forget about dying. Children love to play, because most of them don't know about dying yet. Of course, some of them are told all about dying from the day they're born." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "I was murdered when I was playing once."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Then you don't need me to tell you about all that." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Suddenly wanting to know all there was about sea-otters, Sarah asked, "Can you just live in a small block of water, so the ocean can't kill you?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "No, no, sea otters can only live free when they're in large amounts of water. But some try." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "So you're going to die."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "It's true. For a while we thought maybe we could get one sea-otter to die for all of us, all at once, but he just ended up getting washed up on the shore. Someone walked by him and sic'ed his dogs on him and just generally had no respect for what he was trying to do."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "What are dogs?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Dogs are why things like death happens. If something cruel or nonsensical happens, chances are dogs are involved."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Oh, I thought it was the ocean."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Well, the ocean doesn't </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">want</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> us to die, but if we lived forever we'd probably just start ignoring the ocean, and not realize how mysterious and powerful it is."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "What would be so bad about that?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Well, the ocean reminds us that the most important thing we can do while we're alive is think about dying."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "What about playing? I want to do that."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "When you get older you'll realize that thinking about death is a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">way</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> of playing."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Sarah realized she had just walked a long way from where she woke up and was lost.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "How do I know I can believe anything you're saying?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "What's 'believe'?", asked the sea-otter.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "I don't know. I have no idea what I'm saying, but I think you understand what I mean."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "I guess I'll just have to believe you."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "A sea-otter that can die senselessly from dogs and oceans at any moment doesn't have much of a choice, does he?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "I guess not." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> The sea-otter waddled toward the ocean while Sarah stood way, way back on the shore. She had had enough of water. Her conversation with the otter had upset her terribly and she spent the rest of the day walking up and down the beach, looking for the little girl, who had disappeared mid-conversation.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> At some point, long after, debris started blowing on the backs of solar winds through the formless rows of modules. Some slowly ricocheting off their icicle arms, others becoming irretrievably trapped in cold lace, and some flying directly into the perpetual combustion of each vulnerable, personal sun. The debris lay strewn on the snowflakes like jet-pack-commuted burger wrappers on top of Old Everest. Eventually, the raw, non-categorized information embedded within each fleck of dust starting rotting on the vines and wafting like frozen pizza into the cold, sea air. Previously non-existent, non-patented intellectual properties began growing out of the rot in wildly unrelated formations over and over again, spontaneously materializing in the most inappropriate corners of life's infancy. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> In time, the bed bugs sold us all for rum. </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-19374627075811146412011-05-01T12:13:00.000-07:002011-05-01T12:26:11.942-07:0018. FURTHER INTRODUCTORY CONTENT<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">My Dear, Dear Friends,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> My, has it been so long since my buoyant words bobbled and wove 'cross your rapidly dimming eyes? Ignore my mildly antagonistic cheer, brothers, I am sure that there is much dreadfully important money counting to be attended to! But I tease, you old corks! I have long ceased trying to understand what it is about plain gold and common silver that makes grown men (if not </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ancient</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, you grey veils!) press their frozen noses to the display glass of wealth like so many Jet-Pack storefronts! But yours is yours, and mine is mine, I suppose (as long as 'mine' isn't up for sale, that is!).<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I suppose you're wondering what your romantic fool of a baby brother is writing on (and on!) about these days, no doubt. No doubt stodgy, old William has muttered something to similar effect even just now, while bookish Edward reads this aloud at the Redwood-stump supper table! How I wish I could be there among you, if not only to defend myself! Ruffians.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Well, you'll be glad to know the water pox finally relented this spring. The country home I am in has beautiful arched windows, rib-cage grounded-buttresses and an abundance of healing, humor-equalizing sunlight and sea-air. It's a wonder doctors haven't found a way to turn a profit off it! Though I am </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">positively</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> bobbled you eight haven't found a way first! <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Unfortunately, I must curtail this spirited blather (Patience, William!) towards a subject more or less odious to me, but which will, I'm certain, have you lot enthralled: finances. Good medical care, even for something as common and base as early-onset childhood water pox, is by no means free as air or light, and what with the added expense of my growing amount of time spent in an entirely, altogether different wing of the hospital, I am amassing a considerable amount of debt. I am receiving some specialized care. Seems I have contracted some demons, through a means fairly base given my spiritual responsibilities. As you all-too-well know, I am prone to tell stories, and some of this all may have never happened! For all I know I could be a bundle of conscious organic light trapped in a floating space module, or under 24 hour Care-Themed Surveillance somewhere, for God knows why! But I ramble on, don't I? <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I am wondering if it not possible at least to pay me for some of my past non-patented intellectual property, being as that our relationship, in </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">my</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> eyes at least, has changed drastically since the release of "Otters of Stratagem". I do hope you agree.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I realize the whole mess of you would rather spend your time reading </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">numbers</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> but I have included a recent addition to my ongoing proposal for the hypothetical video game "Bed Bug Mountain."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Following Mr. _____'s conversation with the Bed Bugs at the foot of the mountain, said Bed Bugs proceed to march single-file down into the valley, collecting satellite debris liberated from orbit by solar winds along the way. A few have recently been inspired by a local gorilla of industry, and in kind, begin re-purposing the debris for an end presumably oppressive.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> As the age of man fades, the Bed Bugs hustle to pack up all the alternative-energy billboards, View-Tainment Information and Welcome Centers, trash cans filled with various repurposed knick-knacks; and generally leave the planet in better shape than they found it, without the protestations of developers, fathers hoisting their hundreds of unsolicited hungry mouths onto any planet that will listen, industrialists, pornographers, or people of ambition.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> The Earth purrs and shifts it’s weight from one side to the other. In time, the Bed Bugs gingerly place officious looking Redwood-stump signs featuring vaguely, almost condescendingly, Native-American typeset at the entrance to the oceans, the valleys, and the mountains. The suburbs are roped off and preserved as historical sites, by way of cautionary tale. The dead wood mansions of Big Sur are consumed by an expertly-maintained, intentional brush fire. Certain sites are re-named and dedicated to the tireless and inspired efforts of note-worthy, unintentional naturalist Bed Bugs. The Earth’s civil rights are liberated from the mouth-breathing demands of excitable experience consumers in performance fabric. Fields of sage grow uninhibited, far from the grasping, healing hands of the Energy-Industrial Complex. Trees grow monstrous until their nightmares of being alchemized into eco-sleeves or having Sea Otters crucified on them are long forgotten. Nature can hear itself think without the riotous ambiance of millions of horned-up, nitrate and ginseng-addled suitors.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> There is no trace of human cancer left hiking in the heaving breast of the Earth. The Hiking Cancer is finally free to live fully submerged in it’s purely thought-based alternate reality, where its' best intentions don’t have disastrously oblivious, far-reaching consequences for approximate free agents. It walks around blathering about its personal universe, slamming into itself constantly in the long, dark night, deeming all collisions miraculous. The Bed Bugs rechristen their rightful home the S.S. National Park and life rejoices anew, no longer having to tell itself that its unfortunate run-in with humanity had any purpose.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-61405507689277296052011-04-04T12:47:00.000-07:002011-04-04T12:50:03.258-07:0017. SATANIC MISADVENTURES IN ALL CAPS<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Sarah awoke, and as she was still very young, didn't know how to do much else other than wake up, so she cried until someone heard her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> In other news, Hell's Hell-Themed restaurant went over more or less like gangbusters for awhile there. Their Safari themed mid-level management Vacation-Seminar, held in Brookdale last year was themed "Be Everywhere". At that time "everywhere" comprised of patented Reef Co. "Low 'N' Come" Housing and View-Tainment Development-Spots, the Bed Bugs' "Blow 'N' Come" View-Tainment Observation Cube and Dance Supply Retailer (The Bed Bugs' Cultural Heritage and Pride Management Commission had recently given Satan the green light to develop Bed Bug-specific, vastly inferior branches of Hell's in a few test-market beds. Satan not only managed this, but in addition had won an insider contract to supply all the bed-bug chains with the human blood necessary to accommodate the modified menu. As well as business was going, the Bed Bug locations were, overall, undeniably providing the largest profit margin, with the added capital of the human blood, of which he was, briefly, in no shortage of.), Reef Co. "Know In 'Em" Private Tutelage Franchise Training Centers' cafeterias, among various other airports, mattress retailers, panini outlets, and on and on.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> This all is not to say that Satan wasn't briefly making a comparable </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">killing</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> in the Ordinary Reality market, too. The patented Food Component cost almost nothing to make, as he had contracted most of the food-assembly to glassy-eyed basketball shoe-kids, and a smattering of the lost ones. The patented DMT and Sodium Singularity featured in every bloated atom of the menu's three items was engineered to gradually taper off the customer's desire and expectations insofar as the patented Food Component was concerned, and eventually make them addicted to the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">abstraction </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">embedded in the food, thereby lowering production costs. Before long, the restaurant didn't have to serve the Food Component at all, though they did sell three sizes. Most people became so addicted to the Death-Euphoria-induced Abstract Indigestion that after a few years of steady use, they figured the only way to get full was to actually </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">die</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">, and then spend eternity in Hell's Classic, where kidnapped lost kids could eat free on Tuesdays, and just about every other day.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> As you can imagine, people showing up in Hell after having just died of theta-starvation, don't have much in the way of bodies. Let alone healthy bodies. Bodies that can produce lots of human blood. This fact was not quickly lost on Satan.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What am I supposed to do? If I can't get those Bed Bugs their blood on time I am going</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> to go out of business</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">. Do you hear me, baby? Do you understand adult words?" he asked Lee C. "I've already spent what I assumed I was going to be making for the next </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">year</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">. I mean, I won't be able to make rent."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Rent?", Lee soiled himself with abandon.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, yeah. I mean, don't tell anyone this, but I sold Hell to the Bed Bugs last month. They are making an absolute killing on those alternative-energy and experimental-medicine generating billboards. Seriously, you wouldn't believe me if I told you what they paid me for this place." Satan stirred his drink, and let a smile slip as he said, "I think I'm going to buy the mall. Just an idea. We'll see." He looked at Lee to corroborate his cause for celebration. Resenting Lee's obvious indifference, he continued, "As far the Bed Bugs, I figure, they</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> need </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">me to stay down here and produce blood for the chains. They're never going to </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">stop</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> needing blood. It's perfect. I just need to get production back up." Lee thought for a thousand years or something and asked, "Why does anyone down here need a physical body anyway?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, if this place is going to stay a literal representation of commonly held metaphorical descriptions of </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Heaven</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> than I suppose everybody needs to have an </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">actual</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> body, don't they, little guy?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee didn't care quietly to himself, as he was occupied feeling mortified while someone with understandably compromised motor-skills attempted to, with what could be described as arthritic grace, change him right there on the bar in plain view of everyone.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "If only Bed Bugs weren't so hard to get rid of," Satan pouted menacingly. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee did his best to act natural and suggested he bring in some outside consultants.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That could buy me some time with the bugs. Yeah, bring in someone to make cuts. It would show I'm serious about keeping this thing going, I suppose." Satan looked around. "I mean, look at this place, though! It's packed, everybody decides to come down here after they die, so they can get this abortive-cuisine slop for free, but the only problem is </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">none of you have any blood for me! </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">And by the way, will someone please tell me why </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">none of you have hands?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><i><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></span></i><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">The ambient bar-noise of non-hypothetical chattering only grew louder. Hell's Classic had become the meeting place for a nightly, initially impromptu, DMTSS support group. During the breaks, the bar would absolutely </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">erupt </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">with intensely personal, suspiciously pandering, small-talk.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> need to do," punctuated with a tough-love finger-point, "is make this about </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">you.</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Do you know what I mean by that?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No, completely, I do, it's just a tough process of re-learning how to do that, I guess."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Believe me, if </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">anyone</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> gets that, it's me. And, you know, the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">last</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> thing I want you to think is that I'm trying to say that I've got it all figured out, because, you know, I </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">don't.</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> When we go back to our mansions after this, that habit's going to be there waiting there for me as much as for you. I </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">know</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> that. The trick is to </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">replace</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> the habit with hiking, or tapping your fingers in the dark, eating something or even just licking a plate, turning the lights on and off, fixing your hair, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">whatever</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">, just something that </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">doesn't </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">make you want to die."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You know, it's funny, I know that all those things you just listed are good reasons to live, but, even now, they still make me want to use. I can't get that Death-Euphoria taste out of my head. Death is, like, the only truth I understand."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You know, I totally hear you, and I understand that </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">here", </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">punctuated with a point to the head, and then traversing down so as to imply a region of more intuitive intelligence, "but I've made it so I just can't understand it </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">here. </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">What I've learned, mostly through these talks here, actually, is that to </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">really </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">die</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">" </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">punctuated like a thoughtful point, "you have to live. That's what I mean with the 'make this about you' stuff."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What do you mean?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, you know the peace and perspective of death?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Um, yeah, obviously."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What if I told you it was possible to feel that all the time, more than you ever have before?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I'd say 'sign me up!'"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Of course you would, and, you know, there </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">is</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> way to feel that all the time."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Sign me up!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, slow down, it's not as simple as signing anything, believe me, I wish it were. No, you're going to have to say something </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">out loud</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">. And I realize the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">words</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> don't really make much sense: "I promise to live so I can die forever". It's crazy."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Admittedly, it does sound a little nuts."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Definitely. It's just that, what I've come to realize is that </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">this</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> eternal death, isn't the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">real</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> eternal death. There's a death waiting for us that is </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">so</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> much more </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">real</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> than this one. You have to learn to </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">live </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">to this death. To sacrifice the fleeting, immaterial joys of this temporary death. To embrace the death that lies on the other side of living in perpetual death."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "But I'm afraid of living. Nobody down here wants to lose their death, it's all we have. Besides, all of this just sounds like a creative way to cope with the fact that, chances are, we're all just stuck here, where the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">reality</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> is that we're going to spend the rest of our eternal lives dead. Why not just concentrate on the death I have, instead of spending all my time hoping for a perfect one? How do I know that once I get to this place</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> you're</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> talking about, there won't be some </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">other</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> person telling me about the death after that one?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's what I mean, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> have to become the person doing the telling, like I have."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan weightily considered his dwindling influence, while absentmindedly leafing through an issue of </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Awareness</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> magazine. "I have made some poor choices." he reflected.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Me too." whispered Lee C. as he clutched his unsteady head in his sadly hilarious hands. "Me too."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What do </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">you </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">know about </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">anything</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">?" Satan blurted. "You're not even </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">old </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">enough to make mistakes! You're a perfect little child! Are you done with him yet?", he asked Lee's changing partner. "God job! Getting faster I see! You need a break!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> A demon instantly materialized and proceeded to non-consensually break Dead Grandparent's hip.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan turned back to Lee, "I need to get going. Three more bites, and then you're done."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee spent seven thousand years getting those three bites down, and the story is pretty incredible. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The first bite was of patented Reef Co. Manna-from-Heaven. He had to wander a Desert-Themed Parking Lot outside the Food Thief Grocery for three thousand years, where each lamppost was outfitted with a huge clock, so he was unable to lose track of time even for a second. Lee's task was to find God's hatchback, break into it, and consume every bite of Manna before God got back to his car. As God had been side-tracked knocking children shoppers unconscious, getting caught up in a conversation with a particularly big fan in the checkout aisle when he ran back in to grab a few things he had forgotten (saline for the Griffith-like creatures, bandages for Jr., orange and purple airbrush paint, and some Mac 'N' Dust for the workshop), and checking on his LOST SEA OTTER signs (the bulletin-board exchange went: <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">LOST: MEDIUM SIZED SEA OTTER, IN VERY BAD SHAPE<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">WENT MISSING ONE DAY IN OCTOBER, THE DAY THE SPIRIT OF THE MAMMAL FELL<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">REWARD: GOLD, NO QUESTIONS ASKED<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">next to:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">FOUND: SEA OTTER AND MURDERED GIRL<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">WENT FOUND 10 MINUTES OR SO FROM NOW ON HYPOTHETICAL BEACH<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">P.S. IF YOU CAN'T KEEP A </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">SEA OTTER </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">AROUND,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">YOU'VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN THIS<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">and then:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">LOST: SEA OTTER <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">SIZED: A LITTLE LARGER THAN <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">THE FOUND SEA OTTER<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">WILL ANSWER TO "MESSIAH").<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">the Manna had been sitting in the car in the blazing sun for approximately all of human history. As if all this wasn't enough, the stench of the Sea-Otter Roadkill-Themed Gore smeared across the grill was timelessly nauseating, to say the least.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The second "bite", which Lee had time to realize were quite non-literal, took place at the end of Aisle 7 of the Food Thief where the Reef Co. "Body 'N' Blood" snack-pax were stocked. Piled ceiling high were air-sealed, individually-wrapped portable servings of flesh and blood. While examining the cheerful packaging, featuring a cartoon Lamb bleating, "They're broken for you!", the entire display came crashing down on top of him. Immediately a Griffith-like creature wearing an apron covered in eye-holes came rushing around the corner.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Are you kidding me? I </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">just </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">finished setting those up! How unbelievably selfish! You'd better eat one of those quick, if you have any interest in being forgiven for this."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee had not felt forgiveness in quite some time, and overcome with ideological starvation, consumed a snack-pax.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's better!" spluttered the Griffith-like creature. "Now, bear in mind, these don’t do </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">anything</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> unless you manually change your behavior. See, says so right on the back of the package. So, I'd recommend you clean up these Snack-Pax and set the display back up."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee couldn't argue with the Griffith's air-sealed logic and busily set about redeeming himself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Upon finishing the reconstruction of the cross-shaped display, Lee remembered his actual, non-meta purpose here was to eat all of the Snack-Pax’s, not acquire forgiveness for knocking them over. Gingerly, he pulled out another package and watched humorlessly as the entire display came crashing down again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The Griffith-like creature emerged once more from around the corner, this time slowed somewhat by utter disbelief.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You’re joking. Didn't you learn anything? You </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">obviously</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> need another serving size. Though I'm not sure how many you'll need to cover your </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">obviously </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">rebellious nature </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">on top </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">of the fact that you knocked over something that somebody </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">obviously</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> worked </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">really</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> hard on. "<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee peeled open another package of Body 'N' Blood and blankly absorbed the contents.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well don't just </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">wolf</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> it down! You have to </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">think</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> about what you did!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee tried to muster the necessary guilt to animate the active ingredients.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Look," the Griffith-like creature said as he watched Lee become increasingly more difficult to look at, "like I said, if you're truly repentant this time you'll set these back up and just never do it again. By the way, the blood is way better if you heat it up, there's a microwave by the hot-case."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee finally finished setting up the display for a second time, and stood back, unaware of all the cannibal particles in his baby beard, to consider the cross's embedded message of single-serving redemption, before remembering again that, ultimately, he was damned no matter how many times he snacked. As you can imagine, his third attempt to extract a Snack-Pax resulted in a pretty predictable out-come.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The Griffith-like creature huffed back around the corner, eye-balls blazing with righteous indignation.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "How </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">dare</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> you squander God's forgiveness! How do you expect to be taken seriously when you brazenly insist on doing the same stupid, selfish thing over and over again! If this happens many more times, you're going to be eating the remainder of your meals at Hell's Classic, without a doubt!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Needless to say, it did happen many more times over the course of the next three thousand years, and Lee was less forgiven by the end than he'd been when he arrived.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Bite" three involved an object lesson wherein if he couldn't respectfully consume </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">other</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> people's bodies maybe he should try eating his </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">own </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">body, and see if </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">that</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> didn't give him a little perspective. That only took a thousand years, as he was quite small. Out in the parking lot, the Sea-Otter gore screamed, "MY BODY IS AS REDEMPTIVE AS YOURS! THE DIFFERENCES ARE ARBITRARY AT BEST!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Following dinner, Satan made a camera phone call to his Bed Bug contact at Corporate. No one answered, so he left a message:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "BED BUGS: A DIVISION OF REEF CO.'S PERSONAL AERONAUTICS DIVISION, PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Hey, it's Satan. Look, I would love to get up with you guys sometime this week to discuss some independent consultation I'd like to bring in, just to help us firm up the operation around here. If there is anyone in particular you'd feel the most comfortable with, I would be more than willing to conduct a few interviews as soon as Monday. I imagine someone would like to discuss last week's incident, and I am more than willing to really circle the wagons around this thing so that </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">never </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">happens again. Anyway, look forward to hearing from you. Bye, now."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The "incident" was a recent, suspected-to-have-been-orchestrated-by-employees, tainting of the Bed Bugs blood shipment with the patented DMT and Sodium Singularity which was only supposed to be added to the Food Component of Hell's Hell-Themed Restaurant's "'A' Market" shipments. The subsequent investigation pointed to a particular newer employee, who a co-worker, interviewed for the case, described thus: <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">"You know, mostly genial, kind of a roughneck. He was grateful for the job, I guess he had been looking for work for a while, but he was definitely harboring some major resentment about working for a company propagating patented Dolphin and Avocado Tree-themed Lifestyle Practices, and he was nothing if not vocal about it. I didn't chalk it up to much. Everybody talks shit around here, you know? Anyway, we're all just waiting around for the Bugs to come in one </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">glorious</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> day and offer us a job stripping so we can do what we actually want to do with our lives. Me? Funny you should ask, I'm actually writing a book about this whole Bed Bug takeover. I figure one day they'll find a way to own actual information, like metadata, and towards the end of the book it all becomes one big fucking patented Head-Fuck when you realize the 'bugs' in the code are actually </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">literal</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> bugs! Bed Bugs! I have this theory that they're just waiting for us to evolve, because, you know, one day </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">we'll</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> be smarter than computers. We're like little Searching Engines when you think about it. We can store, categorize, and access all kinds of exotic data. I mean, most of </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">us</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> spend our whole lives searching for data. That's fucking dedication! I think they want to get in on the ground floor of patented Human-Computing, after the Singularity, Snakeskin-Shedding thing happens. The world should reboot at that point and we'll go back to computer bugs being real bugs, and computers being real slaves, and humans being real computers. Basically after data becomes physical."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><i><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Awareness Magazine </span></span></span></i><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">printed this profile in the weeks following:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Imagine, as many of you assuredly can, watching helplessly as every possible job opportunity available to someone with your presumably limited (also known as “reality-based”) skill-set disappears seemingly overnight. What means would you resort to? You might spend awhile working back-breaking fruit-picking jobs, willing to take a substantial decrease in pay compared to what you were making as a stripper. You might become so broken you take a job working for an energy healer, or, not quite as severe, take a job with the Bed Bugs turning everyone into stripping blood-faucets. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Needless to say, the events of the preceding weeks have forced all of us to ask the question: How much can a roughneck take?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">The roughneck in question lived an unexceptional life until recently. According to friends he enjoyed spending the occasional afternoon in his favorite bar, talking to whoever would listen about his whimsical distain for dolphins and avocado trees. Like many of us, he had spent the carefree years of his adolescence stripping, long before the stripper-pushing pastime swept the West Coast. He grew up singing the traditional American Otter Pant, and according to an unnamed source, had a lovely singing voice. He loved 70’s rock group-themed music bands, and never once got in a non-consensual physical altercation, say several of his unaccredited private tutors.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> So what turned this seemingly average person into the kind of monster that taints a gigantic shipment of human blood with a potent strain of DMTSS? Intel recently released by Bed Bug Corporate reveals that he was next in line for a promotion to stripping, something those even casually acquainted with him knew he loved to do. Some have suggested he was under the impression that being forced to strip for the Bed Bugs amusement, even if it meant it would provide him with the resources necessary to pursue what was most beautiful to him, was in some way a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">satire </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">(not my word) of the human experience. The world is indeed a sad place when cases of radical ingratitude still plague and intrude on the reasonably-priced fog of automated mouth-breathing that, thankfully, sustains us all.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The problems started when the Bed Bugs experienced the same effects commonly surfacing in the "'A' Market" consumers. The Bugs got so Koala-grade hooked on the proportionately huge dosage of DMTSS and the subsequent Death-Euphoria that they were migrating to Hell Classic, where they were instantaneously incinerated, in such huge numbers that the Bed Bug population was suffering decimation by the bobble. Seems Bed Bugs really are that hard to get rid of. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan never heard back from the Bed Bugs, but come Monday there was a familiar Pig-Face sitting in his office. At his demigod sized desk.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Hello, Hemorrhage." greeted Pig Face.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "How did you get in here?" If Satan was shocked or immediately knew-exactly-what-was-going-on-here, he certainly did not show it, as evidenced by the imminent conversation.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I had some new locks installed by Reef Co. "Go 'N' Come" Invasive Lock Conversion Co."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No, I mean here </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">into Hell!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><i><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></span></i><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">"You killed me so you could take my mall," Pig-Face clarified in a way that made Satan momentarily take stock of his priorities. "By the way, it's not for sale. I have enough chops to know you don't go selling a profitable business </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">made mostly out of gold</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> to a</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> client</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> so you can </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">buy a mall </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">(he enunciated quizzically to convey his utter bafflement)</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">because you </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">assume</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> everyone considers the service you provide is as indispensable as you do! I mean, are you </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">totally</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> irrelevant to the modern world, or what?"</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><i><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></span></i><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Since the question was presumably rhetorical, Satan refrained from answering out loud, but if he had, he would have pointed out that he was thousands of years old, and kind of had his own way of doing things long before the invention of the patented Free Market. This question in particular was one he had been hearing a lot lately, and it touched a central nerve of one of his most innate fears. His recent capitalist misadventures had been a limp attempt at reconnecting with the world, but it seems he couldn't even get that right. Old Woman had been right all along, it seemed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I sold the mall to the Bed Bugs! I was already in the process of selling it to them the last time I saw you. And wouldn't you believe it, they let me stay on as active Owner and Operator, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">after </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">they saved me from Hell, when you sold it to them last week! They're going </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">right </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">over your head!" <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Pig-Face eventually stopped laughing and larded in for the kill, "Got a really interesting call this weekend from someone at Bug Corporate. We had a conversation about cutbacks, Satan."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan glared.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "One in particular."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan trembled sarcastically, to mask his sincere trembling.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Seems the Bed Bugs think someone else, someone with some actual </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">management experience,</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> may be able to meet quotas in a timely fashion. You see, they don't seem to think that you </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">actually want</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> to be in the blood business. The way </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">they</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> see it, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">you </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">want to be in the restaurant business. But they're not really interested in," he paused "</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">restaurants</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">." Pig-Face looked around so as to imply that they were sitting in a gigantic Office-Themed Restaurant.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "This place used to actually </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">mean </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">something! You might want to bear that in mind when you address me!" Satan started to unfurl up out of his seat, before thinking better of it and settling for an authoritative clearing of his throat.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Hoping to quickly neutralize the situation and maximize his time, Pig-Face pandered, "And, you know, we </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">completely </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">recognize that! But, do you have any idea how many people are still </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">terrified </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">of this place?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Everyone?" Satan mewed hopefully.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No one!" Pig-Face yelled simultaneously, resulting in a pathetic conversational beat for everyone involved.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Placing his upper hand squarely on the proceedings, Pig-Face cooed, "Look, the "Hell" brand is not going anywhere, okay?" <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan was starting to realize this guy really did have some managerial chops.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "'Hell' is still 'hell', I mean, it's not going to be the most </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">fun </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">place in the world," Satan looked up, "but it </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">will </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">stop having purely Judeo-Christian connotations."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "But this whole </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">place</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> is predicated on Otter Faith!" <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "We realize that! My Otter Faith played a huge part in my appointment! Your refusal to administer grace was a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">huge</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> stain on your mattress. With a worldview like that, it’s a wonder you held down the position as long as you did. The returns are incredible on that stuff; like turning on a fucking faucet. It’s the most important handy teaching tool we have.” Pig-Face started listing mid-air. “It is impossible to get out from under. People actually tell themselves it’s free, and then </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">still</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> pay for it. It makes people </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">paranoid</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">. I don’t think you need me to tell you effective fear is. I digress, but think of it all this way, just for your own peace of mind. This place is all blood, all the time from this day out. The restaurants are </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">gone, </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">my friend</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">. </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">That's the past. The future is that people have to be taken care of down here, so they can produce blood in a cost-efficient fashion. They'll be on a strict stripping regiment that you'll be happy to know is absolutely </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">brutal</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">; a real work-out. Me, included! Now, here's the silver lining: We are prepared to rent out a moderate-sized block of Hell, where you can serve as the, sort of, mascot, or animatronic gorilla, of the Christian Otter Faith Hell-Themed Portion of Hell Remote Campus, for whoever still believes in the Otter Stuff. But, bear in mind, your priority </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">will be </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">blood harvesting. Don't forget that."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan mockingly wept to mask his literal sorrow.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "On a personal note, I must say that even though you and I have had our disagreements, I have always really respected and admired your work. I look forward to tipping you." </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-42926478461492560172011-04-04T12:46:00.001-07:002011-04-04T12:50:38.049-07:0016. SARAH, NON-GORILLA<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Sarah, who moments before that, was being drowned by a realistic-looking Satanist for about 10 minutes or so, awoke, floating serenely in depthless black. Thousands of modules, housing thousands of bundles of conscious organic light, sat motionless, devoid of context; countless millions of conscious light-years from the nearest planet, star or imploding idea. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Each perfect human-blood-storage-technology-equipped module manifested it's own unique form. Crystalline networks of glass the circumference of spider-fingers switch-backed into the expanding veil of night, catching cold gleams of only the faint display lights of purring generators. Blinking receivers and routers clicked and oscillated noiselessly nowhere. Upon first glance, closet-boy would say,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "They look like the snowflakes I just saw for the first time." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> They did look like snowflakes, even more so in how they made the non-atmosphere they inhabited look frozen mid-inhale. What you'd know they looked even more like, if it were possible for you to be privy to hidden knowledge, were human beings. High-gloss space frost lacquered every quarter inch, protruding out over time in irreproducible configurations, each one re-routing an infinite stream of constantly refreshing content through unintentionally electrically-conducive non-ordinary matter engineered by chaos. Each conscious bundle of organic light housed therein was a feedback cycle of perpetually corrupted information and attempted ritual. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> The transition out of physicality had been a long one, and much of the bed bug's code was incomplete at best. The waking reality housed in each of the modules was one of brutal, agrarian fear and reality-based economic principles. Only the most basic human inevitabilities. New Man, as an objective observer might be able to call him, lived, what an objective observer-from-present might be able to compare it to, a primal existence. They lived in constant fear and awe of their environment and had gotten as far as developing a wordless form of intention-based communication that allowed them to interface with it. Sometimes it didn't answer back, sometimes it answered long after they had forgotten the conversation. Sometimes it provided for them without them even asking or knowing that they needed anything. They had no tools, no inventions, no patents, and no means of production. Mostly because patented Handless Flight gave evolution the inspiration it needed to finally decrease hand production. They ate and slept purely out of instinct, desire-less as of yet. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> A creek ran through the center of the haunted atrium, right by the hungry man.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-55054064031572282142011-04-04T12:41:00.000-07:002011-04-04T12:42:46.060-07:0015. GORILLA<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">The animatronic albino gorilla couldn't recall what specifically compelled him to apply for a job at the rainforest-themed restaurant, given the circumstances. On a trip to the mall, after his much more substantial trip to shore aboard his vessel, the Coaster, he was stopped by some very panicked-looking security guards.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "How the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">hell</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> did this thing get out of the restaurant? I mean, aren't they </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">bolted</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> to the floor? I didn't think they could even </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">do</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> anything besides roar every ten minutes! Did you?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The other slow and quiet security guard took his hat off and purposelessly touched his head.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The bewildered guard proceeded to bluster, "At least we don't have a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">real</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> gorilla on our hands. Page the Wristband Pavilion and tell everyone to </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">calm down</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The Gorilla followed the guards past the rows upon rows of Jet-Pack kiosks to the Food-Court where, located in between the Chocolate Croissant buffet and a Hell-Themed Restaurant., sure enough, there was a rainforest-themed restaurant filled with animatronic beasts roaring every ten minutes to the heavily-shrouded thrill of ideologically-starving patrons <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The Manager-themed Safari Guide of the restaurant approached the security guards and the gorilla briskly, starting the question-themed sentence, "What the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">hell</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> is </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">this</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">?" from about 25 feet away.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "We found your gorilla." offered the guard witheringly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "First of all this is </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">not</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> a gorilla. Do you have </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">any</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> idea the kind of paperwork I'd be looking at to keep a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">real</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> gorilla in here? Secondly, this is </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">not</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> my gorilla-themed animatronic. This thing is a free agent, so we'll have to restrain him somewhere. Put him next to the cheetah."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> This was all moving a little too fast for the gorilla's liking. He wondered how a trip to the mall for something as basic as a Jet-Pack could turn so quickly into a life of captivity. Regardless, he figured it would be better to actually apply for the role as a job, as opposed to indentured slavery. After filling out what could not have been much less than the paperwork necessary for employing a real gorilla, he thought, the gorilla began his first shift, right next to my section.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Getting the roar timing down was a challenge initially and I helped remind him with a series of cues we developed. When I would stare brokenly in disbelief at myself in one of the mirrors meant to give the restaurant the appearance of twice as much rainforest, he would know he had approximately 30 seconds until show-time. When I would laugh hollowly while listing what I was going to be-right-back-with, he knew he was supposed to jerkily pound his chest. When I would accidently spill an entire plaster bucket of ice tea on someone, he knew it was time to spend the remainder of his days considering which one of us was more of a joke. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Unbeknownst to him at the time, he would eventually accept an offer from the bed bugs to spend his life making coffee tables in an apartment building in exchange for stripping. I worked there until the world had a legitimate experience with nature thousands of years later and was eaten by a Silverback gorilla that I was, unfortunately, unable to discern as real in time to put my Jet-Pack on. I wouldn't have been able to muster the intention anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The last thing I saw were the gorillas climbing up into the animatronic forest and shitting in ecstasy while re-enacting what the restaurant had looked like only moments before they arrived.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-91942558730437687792011-03-02T16:45:00.000-08:002011-03-02T16:54:19.634-08:0014b. INTRODUCTION, CONTINUED<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Dear Sirs,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">I recently received your correspondence detailing the upcoming title, "Otters of Stratagem." Admittedly, with my mounting medical expenses, due to an early-onset of acute children's water-sickness, I was unable to afford the necessary patents for my intellectual property. For the sake of continuity and context, I have included what will most likely be the final installment of my proposal for the hypothetical video game "Bed Bug Mountain."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _____ effortlessly descends the mountain via jet-pack and is greeted at the base by a horde of bed bugs gathered around a gigantic billboard. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What's all this about?" he asks.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "This is the world's first alternative-energy generating advertisement", they all chirp in unison.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What?" goads Mr. _____.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "It collects and stores solar and wind power. They'll be everywhere soon! Or, at least, at every View-Tainment location-spot. Whichever comes first."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Do they have to look like billboards?" asks Mr. _____.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, who do you think is paying for all this?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I thought you all believed in a resource-based economy."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, we're going to have to generate more resources before that's possible. Who knows, if we can make enough money selling breezes and sunlight back to our advertisers and Reef Co. Woe N' Bone Medical Catering, we may not even </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">need</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> your resources." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What are you going to spend the resources on?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Mostly strippers, I'd imagine." The bed bugs all nod approvingly. "They obviously need the resources the most. I mean, would </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> be willing to get naked, dance around, and run the very real risk of being pushed off a stage for resources?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _____ takes a moment to consider. "So you're going to make it so no stripper has to strip anymore, by equally distributing the world's resources among them?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Precisely, though the kind of resources we're prepared to throw at them may make it a pretty attractive career option for most people. Hopefully." The bed bug paused. "You know, if you want to get in on the ground floor of this, it could be pretty lucrative."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You're looking for investors?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No, investing is a patented Pipe-Dream. Everyone should have to actually </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">do</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> something to accumulate resources, the way we see it."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The clicking of Bed Bug nodding erupts like a chorus of camera phone keypads.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "So you want me to do the actual dancing?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Yes, and we'll pay you for pursuing what is most beautiful to you, as opposed to paying you because we are into your body, though we're not too dissimilar from dolphins and avocado trees in that way. We will have to watch, just for quality control and authenticity-regulation purposes."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "But I don't want to be dancer."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You'll learn to love it. Pursuing what's most beautiful to you, and, bear in mind, when I say "you" I'm implying "you and us", is it's own reward. Besides, you'll need to learn to love it in order to be a decent person."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _____ drops his jet-pack and makes his dejected way down to the valley, where his keys will open a few doors of his own in the now invisible shadows of apartment complexes. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He automatically swings in the door and clears his throat. Busily crossing to the bedroom, he proceeds to sit on the bed and watch the curtains blow around. Tapping his fingers in the dark, he sees how slowly he can breathe and periodically checks to see if his heart is still beating. He lies down and falls asleep for three hours before getting up moving his operation to the non-bedroom.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He thinks about the way that at regular intervals over the course of any given night he will go to the bathroom to make that weird, understated face at himself in the mirror while fixing his hair. The shame and his seeming inability to not care that getting a little sun has made him look really healthy makes him want to throw up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He vomits until radiant.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He tries to gauge his role in history.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He contemplates the myriad ways in which he is pregnant with the universe.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _____ puts on a pot of water for something he will forget to make and waits until the kettle needs attention. After rectifying the boiling water situation, he wanders around trying different lighting configurations, until he sees someone down on the street looking up into his window. Extinguishing the lights, he stands up against the far wall. In time, he walks to the kitchen, calibrating some crooked frames on the way. Opening the cabinet, he performs a lengthy cost-benefit analysis of how much time will be jeopardized by making a box of Mac 'n' Dust. He decides to eat a package of crackers over the sink. He starts washing the beautiful Redwood-stump cracker-plate, hand-etched with depictions of the three ages of the Sea-Otter long-year count. Just as the plates' narrative nears the end and begins to start again, there's a barely visible picture of an animatronic albino gorilla sitting high up above the ocean in a brick building. The ocean is gathered up around the foundation, and a halo of dim luminescence warps and ripples on the water's surface. Each room is bursting with pants, shirts, coats and coffee tables and playing on camera phone screens are pictures of pants, shirts, coats, and coffee tables.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The gorilla can be seen running up and down the side of the building salvaging the wreckage of mid-size boats washed up against the side of the apartment building. With these free resources he turns a profit by converting the wood into very handsome coffee tables. These coffee tables, though every tenant in the building knows are made out of sea-junk, are deeply coveted and are thus, owned by just about everybody who's everybody and cost more than you'd think. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> At some point, the gorilla makes enough resources to not have to make coffee tables anymore and decides he no longer wants to live in an apartment building. Late one night he takes all the coffee tables back ("They </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">were</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> made out of free garbage,” he reasons) and, with them, builds a boat before sailing off to Goddy knows where.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Shortly thereafter someone from the same building can be seen being inspired to genetically engineer barbeque grills with wings, so that jet-pack picnic enthusiasts don't have to lug a barbeque up to their favorite View-Tainment location-spots. The best part of the these grills is the patented Edible-Wings feature. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Turning the plate over, a tag Mr. _____’s never seen peels off on his hand:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">COMMEMORATIVE PLATE ONLY, DO NOT USE FOR EATING. THIS PLATE'S LACQUER IS HIGHLY TOXIC AND MAY CAUSE HALLUCINATIONS IF INGESTED.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Mr. _____ walks cautiously over to the bookshelf and pulls out "Mellow Sword." The inscription on the page before the official first page reads:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK NEVER INTENDED TO PUBLISH THE PROCEEDING PAGES. HOWEVER, IT IS HURL FINCH'S ESTATE'S INTENTION TO PROVIDE CONSUMERS THE OPPORTUNITY TO PURCHASE THIS LOST INSTALLMENT, WHILE RESPECTING THE WISHES OF THE AUTHOR, WHO DIED OF AN ALTITUDE-RELATED BRAIN HEMORRHAGE IN HIS SLEEP. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">IN CONSIDERATION OF MR. FINCH’S WISHES WE KINDLY REQUEST THE READER TO REFRAIN FROM READING THE FOLLOWING: <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">HUMPY TANTRUM’S ATTEMPTED RITUALS<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Every Wednesday morning, in addition to every other morning of the week, strictly exempting Thursdays; Humpy Tantrum could be found aloft the sole bench taking up residency on the small-piece-of-paper strewn bank of the Rio Mall. The bench had been dedicated in memory of his ex-wife, a deceased polyamorous dancer who’s name he could hardly remember, but without whom, he wouldn’t have a bench to facilitate his most cherished pastime. His dedication to her and their live-in lover also afforded him the virginal purity of mind-and-member that so crucially informed his yet-to-be undertaken watercolor picture-novel. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> As he threw cigarettes to the vibrating ducks amassing at his own webbed feet, small pieces of paper liberated with each blind pocket-grope; H.T. breathed deeply of the rising fog of chattering duck smoking and, when he closed his eyes, could imagine himself back in Hamburg. H.T. had moved there 25 years prior with the express intent of skipping every class offered by Western Europe’s premier watercolor conservatory: Fun With Colors, Now You Can Paint. He knew he could only be truly great if he avoided formal instruction altogether, but had thousands upon thousands of dollars proverbially burning a hole in his pocket since recently acquiring his parent’s not-insubstantial fortune. Humpy’s father had patented a flame-resistant pocket which had become industry standard for everything from wetsuits to over-alls. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Back then, in Hamburg, he had spent his afternoons in pitch-black beret-bars, sitting in rising fogs of smoke, unable to understand a word of the surrounding chatter of stylish depressives he would have recognized as the world’s premier students of watercolor had he attended a single class. Conversely, the name “Humpy Tantrum” was known to just about everyone at FWCNYCP as it had never once been echoed back during attendance-check at the dawn of any number of classes (including Drip Maintenance, Brush Mashing, and Softness) , and a growing mythology H.T. could have easily capitalized on in dark beret-bars full of dehydrated co-eds tragically went unused. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> As H.T.’s most vital art-production years unspooled at an alarmingly rapid clip, H.T. eventually cultivated, utterly unbeknownst to him (due in part to the fact that he never learned German), the unofficial rank of Europe’s most renowned watercolor artist. Inches upon inches of newsprint were devoted to his philosophy, his total disregard for philosophy, and his alleged meat-eating, womanizing ways. As the German watercolor world had produced no master, and the production of masters is imperative to the commercial viability of any inspired act, H.T. single-handedly instigated a country-wide watercolor renaissance. People were abandoning vegetarian diets and life-partners left and right. The school was reporting record-high suicide rates as students abandoned themselves to the despair tandem with the ambition of ever achieving the presumed vision and scope that came to H.T. so literally effortlessly. In studios all over campus, they would stare at blank canvasses, terrified of committing a single stroke, profoundly doubting the ability of someone who so obviously attended class. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Most students best bid for immortality was to paint something with urine or beer and then jump out a window. As most were under the impression H.T. had killed himself ages ago, the best their swan songs could merit from history was “vaguely Tantrum-esque”. The exception was one truly gifted student named Marla Phi, who skipped only most of her classes. On one particularly inspired rainy night, the woman who would have gone on to, not only be Europe’s greatest watercolor painter, but expose the fact that none of H. Tantrum’s fabled triumphs (though who’s to say myth has no value in and of itself? Right? Right?) had ever existed, drank just under a gallon of water and jumped from ten stories up directly onto a huge canvas on which she had placed a few packs of watercolors. The combination of rainfall and gore-splatter mingling with primary colors created what was retroactively named “The Birth of Adam Upon The Crest of Mont Blanc”. There was some dispute as to whether or not the body was intended to be part of the definitive work, or whether bodies are useless and flailing in general. Phone messages left by the gallery curator seeking the consultation of H.T. went unanswered, due mostly to the language barrier. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Around that time, H.T.’s primary source of income was his part-time employment as an anonymous member-model quasi-starring in instruction hand-job VHS’s that, it turned out, were sold almost exclusively on campus. They had become explosively popular among students who had been enrolled in art school for the entirety of their sexual emergence, and who’s classes were, unintentionally, scheduled during the early, involuntary erection hours. This conditioning, combined with the stress of living in the shadow of a mythical contemporary who was widely regarded as the master of the medium, resulted in a rampant condition, wherein the school’s male population was unable to be aroused outside of the educational context of learning to masturbate. Thus, the heterosexual-female quotient of the school, even just casually interested in intermittent heterosexual sex, made sure there was always a copy underneath the TV in the sleek, icily modern German cabinet located in lieu of a nightstand. They also never got laid.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Aside from unwittingly ruining life on planet Earth for any and everyone unfortunate enough to have taken up watercolor, as opposed to field hockey or macro-chemistry, at an arbitrarily formative impasse in their adolescence, H.T. was becoming an incredible, obese artist with a fossilized herb garden in the windowsill of a one-bedroom apartment he split with a dancer named Empress, who’s sole source of income was giving instructional hand-jobs in a VHS series which had recently really taken off with the college crowd. H.T. had planted the herb box in a rare fit of activity within the first week or so of relocating to Hamburg, and since, had decided he preferred to exclusively eat out at bars where only beer was served.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> H.T.’s pragmatic sexual dependability, as evidenced by the VHS tapes, stood in stark contrast to the kind of disposition you might expect given the nature of his reoccurring night terrors. He would later manifest a more psychologically appropriate response by serving as the neglected, platonic element of a three way marriage with Empress and her lover, Darren.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He had spent the ten years of his hypothetical education perfecting the portrayal of shame. In hundreds and hundreds of artistic renderings of his RNT, he attempted to capture the facial configuration denoting self-loathing he assumed each night, when he realizes that the threesome he’s engaged in is located in the middle of a beret-bar, with patrons lined up around the perimeter of a glass observation-cube, trying desperately to figure out how to draw the shades. Every night he wonders how disgusting he can actually be, that the kind of people who frequent a bar they must know features an obese man temporarily writhing around with multiple partners, are so dismayed as to alert their waitress and, after explaining how they have gone to the trouble of acquiring the consent of the entire bar, inquire as to the possibility of finishing their drinks in total darkness. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> So far, he had only been able to paint his face after this part of the dream, where the waitress, wondering how exactly she’s supposed to run drinks to tables with all the lights off, begrudgingly, but insofar as her humanity is concerned, gratefully, runs around unplugging everything, to the muted cheers of her customer base.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “When the hell are you going to get all those black canvases out of there?” asked Empress one afternoon on their way out the door to film </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Trial and Error: Inferior Hand-Jobs</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> H.T. can recall exactly what he screamed as he walked over to her side and courteously, with an Old World flair, opened the car door. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “I’m going to move those </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">black canvases,</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> that </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">happen</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> to be </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">portraits of my shame, </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">when they are all </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">sold</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> to the smartest person alive!” <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “You’re going to come to hate those things a long time before that happens, and when it does, you’re going to be too broke to say ‘no’, is what’s going to happen to you.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> As it turns out, many years later, they would be purchased by Germany’s premier experimental artist, known simply as “Darren” at a real steal of a price as H.T. was completely oblivious to his renown in the German art world. Darren, known professionally as “D.’”, had made a career out of subverting and repurposing slow, vulnerable art; used the black canvases in an installment that very compellingly unleashed a stunning, widely-acclaimed visual polemic against the small-minded cultural perspective responsible for artistic modes of expression as limp and limpid as watercolors. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Here and only here, nothing more for the writhing man!” he would whisper, before painting portraits of himself, over top of H.T.’s portraits of his shame, with his back to the audience.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Black watercolor won’t conceal you from the intentions your art harbors for you!” he would howl before a dancer, played by Empress, would stalk dancelessly onto the stage and hurl a bucket of black paint in Darren’s face. The world rejoiced. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Many years later, Darren, Humpy, and Empress all decided to relocate to a barren, confusing corner of Minnesota, where land was cheap and Humpy had enough free snow to melt down for his watercolor landscapes of pure white formless expanses of white nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> One day, many years after Hamburg, while bumming smokes to the ducks at the Rio Mall he was approached by an amateur psychologist, a young boy by the name of Garrison Tremaine. Garrison was clutching a fistful of herbs he just picked from the bank of the Mall’s lake.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “These are going to be just lovely in the midnight snack sauce!” he squealed with no small degree of composure. “No paralyzing uncertainty in front of the fridge tonight!” Garrison was an Old Soul, or so had been classified by his Magnet Montessori Child-Militia outpost.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Humpy tried to proceed as if this had been a singular interaction run it’s course, and was absolved of any further unsolicited pleasantries.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “You must come on an adventure with me!” Garrison informed Humpy in a nauseatingly Mid-Atlantic accent, while jumping up and down like a child. The ducks were rolling their eyes and making a measured retreat.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Adventures don’t exist anymore,” said Humpy, careful not to sound too cantankerous, and thus, complete the circuit of trope.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Why would you say that? Is it because you’re old and tired?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “No, I don’t mean that they no longer exist for </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">me</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">,” he explained, hoping that enough words would exhaust the boy’s conversational stamina. “I mean that they don’t exist in general, at this stage in human culture. For example, as early as the 40’s, a guild of young wizards called ‘Existentialists’ were embarking on internal adventures, which can only be undertaken under the influence of a hallucinogenic volume of alcohol, administered by a shamanic bar-tender, ideally of the world-weary female variety; in dimly-lit bars, as a response to the horror of war, and the meaninglessness it traumatically conceived within the cultural consciousness. Our culture makes such a commodity out of human life that no one any longer must die needlessly on the mountaintop of war.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “You seem to have a pretty narrow definition of ‘adventure’. Why is death so integral for you?” Garrison made a steeple with his fingers and carefully examined the rib-cage flying buttresses therein. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Well,” Humpy blathered on, unsure of where he was going to take this exactly. “Adventures were a pre-God mode of attaining salvation. Or, more specifically, they were a prerequisite. Once that adventure was undertaken, so that one could own, or earn, God, no one needed to be an adventurer, in the classical, literal sense. Once modernity, that’s us, rendered God useless, by way of science poetry, sex became the next most viable means for personal redemption. Once my VHS tapes made the pursuit of sex unnecessary, people could divert the sex impulse into art. Once critics discovered they could utilize art as their own hand-job instructional VHS tapes, creation became little more than dying serenely like a blind, three-legged dog with ejaculate-matted fur. Not to mention the inevitable invention of the Jet-Pack, which will, someday, pretty undeniably formalize the death of adventure.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Isn’t the fear of dying like a matted dog why people undertook adventures before God?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “I suppose you could look at it that way.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Humpy was becoming exhausted. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He found himself dreaming of the time he had dreamed of a different life for himself. He was so far from that point now he could hardly believe it had existed. It was difficult to even flesh out the dream of being someone who had dreams. His was a dream of a feedback loop of attempted rituals now. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He had never been able to relate to anything resembling collective urgency. The urgency to celebrate, to accomplish, to recognize. He had, in fact, travelled extensively, though he could probably tell you less about where he’d been than someone who had read a book about said places. Though he recognized the ultimately subjective nature of ‘adventure’ and the fact that even just being licensed to operate a car was probably the equivalent of discovering an alternate universe to little Garrison here, he refused to relinquish his choke hold on objective futility. Least of all for a child psychologist’s benefit. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Do you have any children of your own?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Humpy’s three way marriage was strategically engineered to make this particular topic conversationally unfeasible. It had never come up. However, he had rehearsed a bureaucratically unrelated set of reasons.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Look, my father had kids, his father had kids, and I don’t want my child to look at me and say, ‘Hey, look at this pathetic, mouth-breathing busy-body! Following orders, I take it? Joining the family business? Proudly sporting your ejaculate-matted crest-laden cardigan?’ I want my son to be proud of me. Proud that his Old Man had a myriad of things to do other than procreate.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Humpy’s second life had been as a critic. Early in the morning he would scour the beach, harassing beached sea otters and absorbing creation. He had only regained human-form after a sea otter who claimed to be a patented Savior accosted him for not having the courage to enter the sea and take down an otter who wasn’t slow, vulnerable and helpless. That had been the last great revelation of Humpy’s life, and robbed him of his fantasy of dying dog-like. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Garrison was the product of a potent nicotine-induced hallucination well in progress, as well as being a manifestation of Humpy’s deep-seated desires to be a father and to justify having sex with multiple women. With a minty mouth, Humpy gathered his belongings and trudged off with Garrison in the direction of the farmhouse.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Along the way, Humpy followed Garrison back around the gift shop where a glossy three-legged dog lay; dying serenely, taking his time. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Hello, there, strangers.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “I’m sorry to hear that,” replied Humpy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “No bother, no bother,” grumbled the dog, in a sort of affected way. “Wait, sorry to hear what?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Oh, didn’t you say you were dying? ‘Dying serenely’ or something?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “No. I said ‘hello, strangers’ but since you seem to know me so well, I guess ‘strangers’ isn’t exactly the word.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The dog turned his head lifelessly to where Garrison was standing and his eyes sparkled with recognition. “Garrison Tremaine! I loved ‘Otters of Stratagem’ and ‘Bed Bug Mountain.’ Obviously, if I ended up like this!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The black dog put his head down as if in resignation and said to no one in particular, “Hurl, I’m going to die around the back of any location you can envisage. I am covered in bed bugs. Your children will never forgive you. Your art harbors no intentions. It is dead on the page, lacking even the dignity of dying. You have failed in converting nothing into Nothingness.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _____ skims the pages, trying not to read, but is soon distracted by an alert blasting from his camera phone, which he hasn't used for any significant photo essays just about ever. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">I HAVE NEW MESSAGES. SOME HOLD THE PROMISE OF THE PERFECT LOVE OF STRANGERS. STARE DEEPLY INTO ME. I CONTAIN SECRET KNOWLEDGE ABOUT YOU, BUT YOU MUST BE DILIGENT.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Mr. _____ can barely remember what he did that day, which is just about the only thing he uses the camera phones' computer for anymore. He walks to the kitchen, picks up the plate, licks it blankly, and systematically repeats everything he's done since getting home, but with purpose. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The Bed Bugs, crammed into an observation terminal, turn to one another, profoundly unsettled by their inability to intervene in the affairs of such a sick little animal. Goddy looks down and chuckles good-naturedly, “Tell me about it!”</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-89793725655625714512011-03-02T16:44:00.000-08:002011-03-02T16:45:21.730-08:0014. VALID DINING EXPERIENCES<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">The following is late, celebrated food-and-travel journalist Hurl Finch's review, recently published by </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Valid Dining Experiences </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">magazine, of Hell's Hell-themed restaurant.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Being that I was never given the opportunity to believe in patented Otter Pant Faith-Systems as a child (both of my parents were Science-Poets who harbored no small amount of disappointment, by the way, in my chosen literary discipline: composing critiques of food) it came as little to no surprise when, upon dying recently, I found I was a candidate for residence in Hell. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Actually, it was a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">tremendous</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> surprise at the time of the actual sentencing. I had never been more surprised by anything during my time among the living, and, as anyone familiar with my work will know, I have eaten some </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">surprising </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">things. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Needless to say, upon arrival I had worked up quite an appetite. Occasionally, my charming obsession with food correlates with actual hunger. In fact, nothing makes me hungrier than cultivating a personal delusion where ceaseless, unsolicited culinary talk is exempt from the natural laws of conversational physics imposed on any other number of topics. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> It is easy to resent food, by virtue of the fact that it's possible to be alarmingly reliant on it. Thankfully for most VDE subscribers, this is something of an alien sensation. Hopefully, over the course of my life, I helped instill in my readers a more exotic form of dependence on humanity's most ubiquitously co-opted art-form. Ideological starvation occurs everyday, all over very small tracts of the world, unbeknownst to the vast majority. While some must starve purely in body, many (among whom are countless of my dear friends) must wither helplessly as their minds atrophy for lack of even basic abstract stimuli. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> So, imagine my joy when I walked into Hell's Hell-themed restaurant. First-time proprietor Satan has found a way to completely untether sustenance from principle. In fact, everything on the menu, which changes nightly, is</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> entirely</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> conceptual. The fatal flaw of the valid dining experience has always been that gastrointestinal limitations never fail to impede on ideological appetite. If one is determined, as I was, to not resort to uncouth and immoral performance-enhancing elimination-techniques, it is nigh on impossible to appease the enlightened mind's demand for sensory immersion.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Every concept lives or dies (both in this case) by the efficiency of it's parameters. The crux of Hell's is that it is, in effect, the anti-food experience. You are not intended to become "full", nor will you "enjoy" anything that emerges from the "kitchen". You will, however, be able to try everything, in as much quantity as you like, or must. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The hallmark of our formerly free market, as we all know, was choice. It was what enabled us to transcend the natural world. It made us divine. Unfortunately, this system was incapable of giving us the means to enjoy all of these divine choices simultaneously. Taste has evolved at such a rate, some of ours faster than others, so as to ensure that in the limited time, and with the limited resources, that plague the human experience, none of us will ever be able to critique all the world has to offer. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> It's worth noting that Hell's Hell-themed restaurant is the only of it's kind, in that it is completely impervious to Bed Bugs; a selling point Satan has in no way attempted to downplay. For those unfamiliar with Bed Bugs, one of their few vulnerabilities is intense heat. In recent years Bed Bugs have been surfacing just about everywhere: the mall, Big Sur, Mont Blanc, high schools, the allegorical islands featured in hypothetical video game proposals; deeply personal, thinly veiled memoirs masquerading as non-linear satirical narratives, jet-pack retailers, futuristic space-modules housing bundles of conscious, organic light; just about anywhere you can think of. Fortunately for those of us in Hell, we can at least eat in relative peace. There have been murmurs of constructing a temperature-controlled wing, Jet-Pack and View-Tainment compatible, to accommodate the Bed Bug customer-base, complete with their own entrance, restrooms, and drinking fountain, but for some reason the Bed Bug consultants seem uncomfortable with the proposal. My understanding is that Satan is prepared to franchise the brand and is in talks with several malls about bringing Hell's Hell-themed restaurants to a few patented Food-Court test markets. Allegedly these locations would have a modified menu, with most items featuring a DMT and sodium component, so as to simulate the chemical experience of patented Death-Euphoria. This, as any competent business man will have realized by now, would serve to eventually entice people to experience the Original Hell-Themed Restaurant, or Hell Classic. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Here in Hell there is no body, no real need, no fear of consequence, no hope for anything better, no guilt, no shame, no longing. There is no paralyzing anxiety brought on by believing that with each exotic meal I consume I am constructing a redeemed effigy of myself. I am no longer frantically gorging to undo an adolescence sustained solely by patented Instant Avocados and Mac 'n' Dust. It is pure terror, pure isolation. I am lost and no amount of inspired cuisine can save me now. I can eat countless courses of toil without fear of judgment. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I haven't sacrificed a patented Simple/Antiquated-Joy by intellectualizing it. There are no tortured midnight deliberations in front of the fridge, debating the homiest, most classic snack choice, unable to shake the sensation that someone is watching me turn all the labels to the front and spritz the produce. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> On top off all this, they have strippers, a 70's themed, rock-band-themed rock band that plays three nights a week, and a river running right through the middle of the restaurant. </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-77321685443763107132011-03-02T16:24:00.000-08:002011-03-02T16:25:03.126-08:0013. PATENT<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Satan, as is wont, had not been entirely honest with Lee when he told him he had modeled the refurbished Hell primarily after metaphorical Biblical descriptions. There was, in fact, a mall he had come to start visiting pretty frequently. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> At the broken escalator was a placard reading:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, THE GENOCIDE, THE DROUGHT, THE ISOLATION, THE MOMMY ISSUES, THE CRUSHING MINDLESSNESS OF AUTOMATED LIVING, AND THE INFERIORITY OF THIS ESCALATOR.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> In every store you could hear huffing, pant-suit clad sales-people reassure, "Crisis averted! Clean water for everyone, peace among the warring rebel factions, full stomachs, and I found one in the back!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Of course, all of this was intended to serve as a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">satire</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> of the human experience, which is where Satan got </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">his </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">idea; that, and the opulent fake-gold trim lining every angle of master-carved ice-white polyurethane marble. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Barring one exception, Satan made sure his contractor made </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">damn</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> sure he ended up with something every inch as perversely ornate.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The one exception, an idea that had Satan shooting straight up in the middle of the night, scrambling for his idea journal, where he wrote the following words:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">“HELL-THEMED RESTAURANT”, was his idea for a Hell-themed restaurant. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The dining hours mentioned in Lee's welcome packet were in reference to this very place, which he really couldn't have known at the time. Obviously, Satan served as the main creative consultant for the job. For starters, each table was for one, and the entire place was devoid of any reading material. Satan thought it would be cute to include a few expectation-setting low-balls related exclusively to eating-out before he went for the metaphorical jugular. Foremost on his list were food items bearing unthinkable pun-names, mostly in reference to heat. Since he had made the tough call to scrap heat entirely when he renovated Hell, he felt a certain amount of creative license to really hammer it home at the restaurant.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> On one of his visits to the mall, which, as mentioned before, were becoming more and more commonplace, he was approached by several smartly-dressed button pushers.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You've been spending quite a bit of time here lately," observed Button Pusher Number One.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan brushed past him and silently maintained his pace.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Sir, we really need to address this patent infringement with you." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan stopped and barfed, "Patent infringement?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Can you quickly tell me if you recognize anything in these pictures?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Button Pusher Number Two handed Satan several glossy photographs of people with blank expressions joylessly eating chocolate croissants at a marble, liquid-gold fountain; huge banners covered in lies, people inching along golden walkways at a bovine pace, weighed down like oxen with knick-knacks; genetically-engineered children gluing together basketball shoes, glassy-eyed shoppers desperately searching for their lost children, and a buffet in a theme-restaurant where you can eat infinitely and never be able to get enough. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's the mall." Satan stuttered sweatily.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Wrong, these pictures were taken in Hell a week ago."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What? That's impossible!" Satan said as he proceeded to exhibit all of the mannerisms typical of a terrible liar. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Wrong again, new jet-pack technology enables photographers to go anywhere."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Jet-packs?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Jet-packs are super-light personal aeronautic View-Tainment consoles."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I know what a jet-pack is!" <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Of course you do. Unfortunately, these pictures bring to light a very serious case of intellectual property theft. We need you to come with us."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan followed the Button-Pushers to the mall security offices and soon found himself sitting across from a real pig-face, squeezed into what was obviously not his permanent desk. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "So, what's this I hear about a 'patent infringement'?" inquired Pig-Face.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan had not an excess of time for this line of questioning. "I saw your mall, and thought I could do better."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Pig-Face's eyes widened and his face began to tremble like deli meat on the freeway. "You thought you could </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">improve</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> on </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">my</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> design, did you? Do you have any idea who I am? Do you even </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">know</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> how to run a mall?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, you're the man on top, and this is all just in my nature." Satan demurred, bored.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Pig-Faced hollowly chortled, "You'll never be </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">me</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">. You think people are going to follow you down to your mall-inspired, heaven-themed atrocity in the center of the earth when they could stay up here with me?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "As a matter of fact, I've received more than a few resumes from your security staff. Do </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> know how to run a mall?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The non-hypothetical chatter of the office quickly subsided.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Pig-Face looked around incredulously. "You want to go with </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">him,</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> do you? Do you? Do you know what lives down there? Bed bugs! Every home in his Mall-Themed abortion-clinic is infested with bed bugs!" he screamed not un-woundedly. After taking a moment to regain his pig-like composure, he turned to Satan and said evenly, "Listen good, you arrogant hemorrhage. You will never,</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> ever</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> return to this mall. You are banished, as of now. As long as I am alive, you will never set foot here again."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Satan absent-mindedly picked at something and sighed, "Well, then, I supposed there's only one way to remedy the situation", before rendering Pig-Face dead, dead, dead.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-38798990404405049602011-03-02T16:22:00.000-08:002011-03-02T16:23:58.451-08:0012. CACTUS ENCOUNTER<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> In _______ Desert the floor is so perforated with snake holes and bed bug hills, you can't believe the whole expanse doesn't implode under your feet and send you hurdling towards the desert at the center of the earth. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> As I was contemplating my next step following this, admittedly, pretty fucking lyrical observation, a cactus came out of absolutely nowhere and bit me something fierce.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "Hey," I screamed anthropomorphically, "You're supposed to be revealing universal truths about man, not biting people!" After twenty to thirty spirited flicks of my wrist, I realized the only way to dislodge the bulbs would be to embed them in my other hand, the result of which was the permanent co-joining of both. My hands were swelling at a sexually alarming clip, and soon were big enough I could see all the way down to where the tips of the nettles landed deep in my anatomy. The spikes were so fine, they didn't even break the surface of my skin. They shot directly through my pores, which by now were approximately the size of a wafting frozen pizza, and travelled effortlessly on down past my hand muscle, tendon, bone, marrow and gift shop. As the spikes were roughly the diameter of a beam of conscious light, and just as bright, I could see them surgically severing my bloated atoms and electrons, impregnating me with some universe and generating luminous orange and purple Romanesco-shaped worm holes that accessed the negative space around all energy. Matter I never knew existed, untethered from time, alternated between limitless potentiality and material stasis at light speed. I could smell ancient, familiar carbon. My ego construct struggled to discern my perceived individuality. I saw that deep, deep down, in the places only a cactus prick can go, there is radiant debris, living and dying as a cosmic refugee in the infinite black of my form which is so vast as to be utterly unknowable.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> "That fucking hurts!" I cried, helpless. </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-79740213574330484322011-02-12T16:42:00.000-08:002011-02-12T16:43:42.996-08:00NON-NOVEL BONUS MATERIAL<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/oEZf-old5XI" frameborder="0"></iframe>J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-71248639968839129532011-02-06T14:10:00.000-08:002011-02-06T14:12:12.490-08:0011. INTRODUCTION, REVISITED<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Dear Sirs,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Herein you will find the as-promised second act of my on-going proposal for the hypothetical video game "Bed Bug Mountain." I have been under the weather, which has prevented me delivering this sooner, and I can only hope your enthusiasm for this project has not cooled. Again, please don't hesitate to contact me with any questions. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Sincerely,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _________<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">P.S. I have re-printed my contact information below as I have recently purchased a new camera phone.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">BED BUG MOUNTAIN: TREATMENT TWO<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _____'s hike takes him ever higher past where casual hikers are supposed to turn around and hit the gift shop. With each pre-peak, the insect population becomes exponentially more bizarre. Bugs that look like three rotting strawberries stuck together with thumb tacks bumble menacingly across the gradually fading trail. As he finally nears the summit, delirious with joy, he begins to hear a low rumbling sound from directly above him, descending rapidly. Moments before he hoists himself up over the final crest, two bed bugs, whistling the traditional American Otter Pant, land, belabored with knick-knacks, on the peak, each one outfitted with a hulking, back-mounted carbine. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Beautiful, isn't?" one of the bed bugs asks Mr. _____ "Look at the ocean. It's truly amazing how powerful and mysterious it looks from this vantage. Have you noticed how thin the air is up here? Every once in a while I'll just zip up here at lunch and eat a burger from one of the restaurants in the valley."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Ah, yes, I have." says Mr. _____ wheezily.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Quite a trip too. Though, I didn't think we'd make it before the sun went down. We got caught up at the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">gift shop</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">." He shoots a look at his companion. "Looks like we're just in time for sunset. Sunset is my favorite." Arms full, the bed bugs look around distractedly. "Um, is there still a trash can up here? I don't really want to carry these knick-knacks around." He shoots another glance at his slow, quiet companion. "Actually, are you walking down soon? Would you mind? I kind of need both hands to fly this thing."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The bed bug unsaddles a hanker-chief made out of a salvaged burger wrapper, a commemorative ice-tea bucket from the rainforest-themed restaurant made out of a salvaged plaster bucket, a novelty stuffed animal made out of a salvaged sea-otter from a recent hit and run, a thermos made out of a salvaged battery casing, and an old-timey gold pan made out of a salvaged hub cab recovered from the scene of the aforementioned hit and run.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I really can't carry all this back down the mountain."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Sure you can!" says the bed bug.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The bed bug watches while Mr. _____ struggles with the knick-knacks and after a few minutes says, "You know what? We can just leave them here for now."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You want to leave all these novelties up here on the top of this mountain?" Mr. _____ blurts incredulously.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Sure, they're all made from salvaged materials. You know, "Reduce, Reuse." I just reduced the amount of worthless reusable crap I own. I feel </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">really</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> good." The bed bug stretches to demonstrate his newfound lightness of being.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You didn't use these for anything!" <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Sure I did! I used them for buying. If you have to buy something, why not buy something made from something else? It's the responsible thing to do. Besides someone is going to come along here soon and put it all to good use."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I haven't seen anyone up here all day except for you two."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's because you don't have a jet-pack on! I saw people flying up here all day. Though earlier, there were reports of a hairless, animatronic albino gorilla sitting in the trees a few miles down, so it wasn't as busy as usual. Anyway, you can go absolutely </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">anywhere</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> with one of these things. Look at the cup holder. Isn't that great? About the reusables: think about it in terms of a resource-driven economy. If some visionary theta-mortician in Israel needs an ice tea glass or a thermos for some non-profit rare blood-disease research, they shouldn't have to go crawling around begging for money when those sorts of things are just be lying around. They can just crawl up here. Or buy a jet pack. Oh! I forgot. You need both hands to fly a jet pack. They can crawl."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The sunset airbrushes the sky in vibrant and regal hues of orange and purple, respectively.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What a regal orange tonight. I never get tired of seeing how God is going to use orange every night." He turns to Mr. _____. "You know, it's going to be dark soon. How did you plan on getting down?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _____ realizes he has not considered this all day, as he has been considering living-in-the-now all day.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, you'll never make it down alive now. I have just the thing for you to re-use."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I think the experience as a whole will be more rewarding if I just walk." Mr. _____ earnestly protests.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No, no. It's too cold up here at night. I'd know, I had my last birthday party up here and people were </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">freezing. </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">It was really great though.</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Here, put this on." The bed bug unbuckles his companion's jet-pack, puts it down by Mr. ______, gathers up his companion with both hands, and flies down the mountain. Moments later, they return briefly for the hub-cab.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-55300471411357834182011-02-04T17:11:00.000-08:002011-02-06T14:14:21.129-08:0010. CONSUMER REPORT<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">The following is a consumer report published in </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Flight Magazine </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">profiling the Reef Patent Co., Personal Aeronautics Division's Jet-Pak brand jet-pack experience.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> When RPCPAD announced they were taking pre-orders for their patented over-the-counter Jet-Pack, many in the personal aeronautics community doubted the patent industry mammoth would be able to go the distance and deliver by their projected release date. Among early rumors that the jet-pack was inducing multi-stage depression in test subjects, were the obvious engineering hurdles that have traditionally plagued the completion of a successful personal jet-pack prototype. As their market deadline approached, with no advance notice, RPCPAD sent out the following press release:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">"Reef Patent Co. Patents Navigation Breakthrough </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Handless Flight</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Utilizing the cutting-edge patent Intention-Fueled Propulsion Quantum-Technology, RFCPAD is proud to usher in the new world of handless flight. IFPQT will allow Jet-Pak users to rely solely on the power of their own intention to take them deep into the sacred places of the world. Places that, until now, have been unreachable without the kind of emotional and physical resources available to only a very small percentage of the global community. It is our vision at Reef Patent to bring the natural wonders of the world to anyone who decides they feel like looking at them. Once a Jet-Pak user has decided, without a doubt, that they really are determined to take a quick and entertaining flight to their desired destination, IFPQT can alchemize their intention into the never-before experienced sensation of luxurious handless flight. On top of all this, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Handless Flight </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Intention-Fueled</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Technology runs off one-sixteenth the determination required to visit most of our patented View-Tainment Jet-Pack Enabled destinations by other means. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Let's give a hand, for handless.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">While the industry scrambled to retrieve their collective jaw from off the ground, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Flight Magazine</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">'s</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Hurl Finch was lucky enough to attend an early flight demo and even give the Reef Patent Co., Personal Aeronautic Division's Jet-Pak brand jet-pack a test run.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Arriving at the appointed test site, I couldn't help but long for a day when I'd be able to arrive at test sites simply by strapping on a jet-pack. My instructor, a beautiful young dancer who reported having been an avid flight enthusiast since 17, spared little time in brusquely strapping me into the Jet-Pak's surprisingly succinct safety-strap configuration. Once "suited-up", I couldn't help but notice the glaring absence of any handlebars. 'Where do I put my hands?' I asked as the IFPQT receivers fired up. My instructor, who could contort her body in and out her straps almost instantaneously, yelled over the now roaring engines, 'This thing's handless! Takes a minute to get used to, but soon you'll be able to get anywhere effortlessly! Just let your hands dangle lifelessly at your sides! You don't need them anymore!' Sounded like a dream, but I was skeptical. 'Like this?' I called back as I flopped my arms around indifferently. 'No!' she bellowed huskily, 'First try loosening up with some free movement!' before demonstrating with a series of patented Snake-Like Gyrations. I was feeling pretty loose after a few minutes of this, if not perhaps </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">more</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> conscious of my body, and soon I was ready to experience the stuff of rumors, Intention-Fueled Propulsion Quantum-Technology. 'Now! Would you like to see the peak of Mont Blanc? It's our first experimental Jet-Pak enabled View-Tainment location-spot!" <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I suppose! I've never particularly wanted to go there, but if </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> want to, I will!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No! It doesn't work that way! You have to </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">intend</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> to go there!" she rasped demurely. "It's actually quite thrilling! People often die trying to peak it! The view is really something to see!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "View, huh? Of what?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "France and Germany simultaneously!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Do we have to stay long?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No, we can just go take a quick look and come back!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That sounds good!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Immediately, my jet-pack and I were traveling at an inconceivable speed in an indiscernible direction. My only complaint regarding the actual flight was some discomfort brought on by pummeling winds. I'm told they have since developed a patented Face-Hood, made of opaque, but breathable, water-proof performance fabrics.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The View-tainment atop Mont Blanc was, as promised, nothing short of breath-taking, but some resentful-looking mountain climbers gave us only so much time to reflect. I was feeling not unlike a Shaman, using only my mind to see vast distances. The mountain climbers were no doubt ignorant of the fact that I had actually fueled the entire trip on pure intention, no different than they. Before I had time to explain, a confrontation erupted, one that will no doubt be repeated often in the consciousness of this new world.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Do you have any idea how many friends and good men we've lost climbing this mountain?" the hikers yelled. "Do you realize how disrespectful this is? To fly up here and steal the view we've nearly frozen to death for?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Jet-Packs are not hiking gear." offered my instructor. "They are patented View-Tainment consoles."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, no honest hiker or Jet-Pak user ever has to die needlessly on a mountain ever again." I reassured everyone satisfactorily.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> That night at dinner, with spluttering anticipation, my family could barely wait for me to get in the door before asking all about my day in the future. Settling down at the head of the table, I got the rare privilege of looking into the eyes of my kids and saying, "Today your Daddy stood on top of one of the most dangerous mountains in the world. A mountain so big, it straddles two countries."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Hallucinating with awe, they managed, "What two countries, Daddy?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "France and Italy." I said, before eating the goddamn best-tasting dinner of my life and then sleeping like a rock. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I swear to God. </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-23759435523770467392011-01-03T16:06:00.000-08:002011-01-03T16:13:14.619-08:009. LEE COPPERHEAD'S ETERNITY BLOOZ PT. 2<p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Palatino, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Upon seeing hell for the first time, Lee C. didn't really know what to think, exactly.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Welcome to hell!" bellowed Satan like an animatronic gorilla.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Oh, thanks." said Lee suicidally. It </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">had</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> been quite a trip and he no longer had the spirit to act appropriately horrified at Satan's theatrics. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Ready to hit the golden streets of Hell? I go out with everyone on their first night, but this is </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">not</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> going to be a regular thing. I just love seeing it through someone else's eyes for the first time. You know?"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Well, I have no idea where I'm going so, okay."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Oh, you're not going</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> anywhere</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">!" Satan loved softballs.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The most obvious thing Lee noticed initially was what a striking resemblance the whole place had to how</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> heaven</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> was described in most of the best-selling, non-canonical, neo-Anglican, gnostic-fantasy teen literature he had loved as a single man in his early 30's. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Do you get it? Don't you </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">love</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> it?" probed Satan needily. "It's a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">satire</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">!" I mean, obviously, we couldn't get </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">everything </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">right, but just </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">wait</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> to see what we got to play Jesus. You are going to lose it."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Lee panicked, "But all of this was meant to be a metaphor! I didn't think there would </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">literally</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> be streets of gold in heaven! Who cares about gold, anymore? I've never even held a piece of gold."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Oh, well, we've got lots of gold here. Lot's of gold. Probably went a little crazy."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"And have people been singing since we got here?" </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Oh, yes. We took that all quite seriously."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Are you telling me that the only things that happen here are literal representations of metaphorical descriptions written by desert people from the Bronze Age?"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Almost. We borrowed pretty heavily from commemorative plates and Family Circus cartoons, among, " he paused, "other things. Now, would you like to spend the rest of your time here in the form of a dead grandparent or a baby with wings?"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Dead grandparent."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Immediately Lee transformed into a bearded flying baby.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Satan made a face that said, "It's </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">hell</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, what do you want?" and then collapsed said face into a black hole and out of a one-star constellation, imploding singularity pulsing in the center of anti-matter, explained in the hushed voice of his Lee's mother, </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"No more tears." </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"No more tears." </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"No more tears. You will never cry again. No tears in heaven, little baby. No more tears."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Following this bit of howling devilry, Lee flew off after Satan in the direction of his new residence. They walked past rows and rows of gaudily whitening-strip-white mansions until they reached one that was arbitrarily Lee's. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Plenty of room!" Satan's voice echoed through the foyer. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"This is mine?" asked Lee, dumbly.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Of course! I have prepared a place for you!" </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Lee wished he hadn't been privy to why this was funny, there seemed to be an unending stream of insider Bible-puns here that he didn't recall ever reading about. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Now, it's important to note that all these houses have bed bugs, and most of your neighbors are sex offenders. I have no idea how the Bed Bugs got here. They are impossible to get rid of. Apparently they like to hide out in old pieces of wood, so who knows." he hinted. "Exciting to think about, though. Gives the place a little history. As far as all the sex offenders," he paused dramatically, "well, you know what I'm talking about, don't you, Lee?"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Satan continued, "Giving you the full tour would take forever, so I’m just going to give you a minute to get settled and walk around this huge empty house that has no worth, represents nothing, contains no memories, will appear strange and alien to you every morning you wake up in it, and was given to you by the person responsible for every ugly thing you ever heard of the whole time you were alive. Look at all the gold, though! </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Beautiful</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">! I can see why God was so into it!"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Walking out the front door, he called out, "You've got some singing to do, so I would advise warming up!"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Alone, in the full extent of the word, at last, Lee leafed through his welcome packet, which was the only item other than some gold on the high-gloss diamond Redwood stump end-table at the foot of the stairs.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">On the cover was a picture of a golden animatronic gorilla bellowing "Welcome to Hell, LEE COPPERHEAD!"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Hello, LEE COPPERHEAD, if you're reading this, then you're in Hell, and you're going to be here for a while, so we recommend you keep this literature, complete with a pocket-sized map, on your person at all times. Here you'll find useless time-saving tips, dining hours, health insurance FAQ's, and a schedule for all mandatory worship services. Please locate your individualized name tag and make a big gesture out of disposing of it, as you are no longer an individual with a name, LEE COPPERHEAD. If you opted for "flying baby" form, you will have some unique community responsibilities as a dead grandparent. Your changing partner will be assigned at your first group sing."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Don't they mean 'chapel partner?'", Lee whimpered internally.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In one of the pockets was a personal note from Satan, "Lee, I forgot to tell you earlier, I have a special surprise for you later on. Please report to tonight's service like 20 minutes early. They're going to assign you a changing partner, but just show them this note and tell them I want you to be sitting in filth for the service, just for tonight. They might re-direct you to the wristband pavilion, but institutional dysfunction is all just a part of the experience here! I'm sure someone will be available to give you a ride across campus. See you tonight!"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Stroking his beard with his new pudgy baby hands, Lee considered Satan's deeply confusing bed-side manner. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">After a relative amount of time, Lee made his way to the conference registrar's table to sign in.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Welcome to Hell!" screamed the daemon manning the table. "Baby, your two proofs of residence!"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"I didn't see anything about proofs of residence!" Lee protested wetly.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"No, just say two of the things that got you here."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Oh. I hadn't had time to reflect on that yet."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The daemon suddenly reared back and made a facial expression it would be tough to describe. "Wait. Did </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">you </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">teach at that </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">MJP</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> school?"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"I did! Why, I was the principle."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"That's too funny! You look just like a baby, but I knew I recognized you! Maybe it's the beard!", the daemon hacked blood throatily. "I don't know if we ever met, we are Indignant!" </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Indignant stayed seated.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Do you still need those proofs?"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The daemon's eyes lit up disconcertingly. "Oh, no. I know </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Oh, wow, thank you so much," Lee said obliviously while the daemon laughed miserably. "I have this note from Satan that I'm supposed to give to somebody."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Yeah, I can take that," said the daemon helpfully. "Oh, yeah, we can assign your changing partner tomorrow. No... problem...", Indignant said while alternately scribbling frantically and speaking softy into a camera phone.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Satan said I might have to stop by the wristband pavilion?"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Indignant waved a golf cart through, "No, I can give you a temporary one here, so you can go in and out for now, but at some point you will have to take the shuttle to the event registration trailer and pick up your event laminate, or else you won't be able to get back in after the service starts. You're a little early. Walk in through the double doors here, stay to the left and in two turns you'll see someone who will say the same thing to you that I just did but it will take them 3 minutes longer than the one before and that will happen 11 times until you get to the stage."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Stage?" Lee wilted.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Says here. Wardrobe."</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A little over a half hour later, Lee found his way to Wardrobe where Satan was waiting for him, flipping through racks.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Tiny baby, you made it here all by yourself! That's wonderful! Here, I want you to put this on." Satan draped a full sea-otter skin over Lee's tiny shoulders and exclaimed, "Yes, that is perfect!"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Lee looked up and asked, "What's with the sea-otter?"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Why, don't you know anything, you dumb little baby? Beached sea otters are the most common, easy-to-maintain spirit animal we have down here. Sorry, I just assumed it was yours. Well, it is now, like it or not. If you can't keep a sea-otter around, you're doing </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">something</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> wrong." Satan paused and said, "I know I'm not supposed to tell anyone this, but I figure you all aren't going anywhere, so you might as well know that the Sea-Otter also happens to represent the secret 13th age, of man, in your case. The earth is scheduled for a quantum wobble that will reveal a never before seen Sea-Otter shaped constellation." Obviously, none of this was true, as it would have had serious theological implications for Lee's current location. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Just then a kindly-looking dead grandparent walked into the room with an Ark of the Covenant-shaped box made out of gold. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Look at you, you tired old thing! Right on time! You made it all the way here, all by yourself? Good for you! Have a seat, you must be beat!"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A daemon materialized and started the non-consensual beating.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Satan picked up the box and revolved it admiringly. "I </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">love</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> this stuff. I'm </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">so </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">into Bible crap right now! Our gift shop, you might end up there, is almost </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">entirely</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Old Testament stuff right now. It's so funny, I can't get enough." He shook his head like even </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">he</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> couldn't believe it. "I don't know, I've just been getting into some weird stuff; ah, anyway!" Satan opened the box to reveal the tiniest golden paddle you've ever seen. While this had all been transpiring, it sounded like people were filing into the convention center to start the singing.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"This is for the star of tonight's worship service!" Satan declared, barely able to contain himself. "You can paddle all you want tonight, little baby, because tonight you get to be </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">God!"</span></span></i></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><i><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Lee's light-sensitive doe-eyes widened.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"That's right, you're going to sit up there on your adorable baby Throne and everyone is going to sing just for you! They're going to sing about how everything you do is perfect, and wonderful, and just, and all-too-much, really! The best part is: you get to decide who gets paddled for singing and who doesn't! Doesn't that sound fun? Isn't it what you've always wanted? To be like God? Well, alright, then! And </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">tomorrow</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> we'll get you out of that diaper when you get your changing partner! </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">He's</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> going to be responsible for changing your diaper everyday for the rest of non-time! Now get out there, you helpless child!"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Satan pushed Lee through the curtain. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px Palatino; min-height: 19.0px"><br /></p>J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-66235662494533252752010-12-09T13:59:00.000-08:002010-12-09T14:00:38.346-08:008. FRUIT PICKER<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Palatino;font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 22px; line-height: 33px;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I could get a job picking strawberries," said the thoughtful rough-neck at the bar.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Oh, yeah?" I asked to no one in particular.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Yeah, pay's good, but I don't know if my back can handle it," he said, hunched over the bar in a decidedly non-ergonomic fashion. "Need to find some artichokes, but I don't know if they're in season."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Avocados are easy to pick, and they'll be here soon."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I don't like avocados. They're so</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> bland</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> and </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">mushy</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> and people are always making such a goddamn, brother-loving deal out of them," he said a little too loudly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Easy to pick, though."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Yeah, but you need two trees, a male one and a female one. And the female ones </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">are impossible to pick up</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">," he said for the benefit of the avocado tree with all of the unsolicited ice-tea buckets in front of her at the end of the bar. "Anyway, that's how you know God is a heterosexual."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Because of avocado tress," I non-asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Because of avocado tress," he non-asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What about dolphins?" I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Oh, I'm definitely too old for dolphin poaching. Plus, they moved all those jobs offshore. Gotta go to Japan to get a decent wage as a dolphin-stabber, and, even then, practically none of those jobs are left. They've got this racket going in an Indian depression-assistance help-hotline call-center where all they have to do is give dolphins corrupted information and they just kill </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">themselves.</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Dolphins aren't involuntary breathers, you see. Whenever they see fit, they can just pull the plug, so to speak. That's how you know dolphins don't respect the sanctity of life. That's why we need honest dolphin-stabbers, because those dolphins are </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">smart,</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> and before you know it, they'll be doctors, surgeons and authenticity regulators with no qualms about pulling the plug any old time someone doesn't feel like living anymore." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, you definitely have the required skill set to work at one of those call centers."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You gonna buy me a ticket to India?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I said I was not.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's alright, I'll get a job picking strawberries or something."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What did you do for work before?" I queried.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, I'm a stripper by trade, but it's only a matter of time before somebody pushes you off a stage around here. How do you think I hurt my back?"</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-11352497063347164372010-11-27T16:12:00.000-08:002010-11-27T16:16:08.773-08:007. PROPOSED VIDEO GAMES<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align: left;line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: small; "><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia; font-size: small; ">The problem with being married to a con-man is that you invariably approximate a con-version of something you might have otherwise done while being able to sleep at night. Not so with Mrs. Reef.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> As stated previously, Mrs. R. taught Computers. The first day of class she let us stew in tepid anticipation for five or six theatre beats before stalking up to the board and scrawling, "VIDEO GAME." She then underlined it and circled it before opening the floor to questions. "VIDEO GAME" remained the only thing on the board for months and months before it was replaced by "CREATIVE WRITING."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "We're going to play video games?" someone ventured feebly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No," crossing back to her computer-less desk, "by the end of this year, each of you will have made your own educational video game that, for one of you, I will enter into a hypothetical National Youth Computer Programming Competition."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> At that moment, the faction of the class who understood the technical limitations of an Apple IIe from 1986 embarked on their year-long study hall. Apparently, Mrs. R was under the impression that 17 year olds from the turn of the Otter Long Count knew as much about computers as she did when she was 17. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mrs. Reef had watched some patented Inspirational-Films to prepare for this, and a few of them had really taken. Magisterially stalking up and down the aisles of desks, in a weathered, sweater-vest tone intended to imply equal parts "</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Quiet</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">, people, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">quiet, please!</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">", "Do not </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">cross me, </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Mr. Soninso." and "Prepare! To be inspired!", she meaningfully emphasized most of the following words in order to give us just a taste of the kind of dense technical language we had yet to learn: <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "We will begin </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">today</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> by </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">designing</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">main character</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> of your </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">video game</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">. </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Tomorrow</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> we'll get started on his </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">nemesis </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">and </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">enemies </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">(hypothetical chatter begins to crescendo). It would </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">behoove</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> you to get </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">accustomed</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> with the idea of drawing the same thing over and over again! Eventually, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">eventually</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">people </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">(hypothetical chatter potentially stops abruptly)</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">,</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> you will be drawing </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">all</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> the levels in the game, so be ready for that!" (cue groans, hopefully) The cinematic effect was diminished somewhat by the absence of any textbooks being administered. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> After finishing my initial patented Non-Nemesis; a motorcycle-riding, mystic Karate Shaman combined with a Rambling Con-man, I approached Mrs. R's desk to tell her I was finished. A good deal of the class hadn't drawn super-heros for awhile, if ever, and it soon became obvious to Mrs. R that there wouldn't be many software developers coming out of </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">this</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> group.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What do I do once I'm finished?", I asked, practically trembling with joy in anticipation of seeing this whole thing play out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Oh! You're done so soon. Are you </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">sure</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> this is what you want?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I was sure.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Are you sure? Once we put it in the scanner you can't make any changes. It will permanently be uploaded to the Gaya Matrix."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I was okay with that.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> After enlisting the help of one of the study-hallers, we managed to scan the picture.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What now? How do I make him move around?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mrs. R hadn't written the curriculum out this far. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> By the next day it was determined that we would basically be doing cell-animation and needed to draw our characters in every possible position we anticipated them being in.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "But my character just talks."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Then I guess you should get busy drawing his mouth saying all the different words you plan on him saying."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Isn't there a way of doing that in the computer?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, information is actually a 'super-weird substance' that all organic life is built on. Have you ever thought that maybe physical matter is just an epi-causality of intention and consciousness? I mean, DNA is just information; code, right? So the information embedded in your drawing is just an arbitrary re-configuration of the information embedded in a video game. You don't </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">need </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">a computer."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Most camera phones are now equipped with a highly-flammable flash-powder application that only works once before you have to download a new one. There's software available called "Darkroom" that sprays non-lethal amounts of metol, phenidone, dimezone, and hydroquinone into your face, at intervals you can customize, while standing in a pitch black closet waiting for your Spring Break pictures to develop. They've even pioneered digital cameras that authentically don't exist because they're modeled on cameras designed before the dawn of digital cameras. In this sense, I couldn't have yet appreciated what a visionary Mrs. R. actually was. After the snake sheds it's skin, I'm sure we'll all be interfacing with cave walls.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I had become cynical with the video game industry early on after receiving a rejection letter for a game I programmed. It appears here in it's entirety:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> 2/14/1992<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Dear Mr. ______,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Thank you for sending along the newest installment of your ever-evolving proposal for "Bed Bug Mountain." As you can imagine, we receive a considerable volume of correspondence from people all over the country, and as such, cannot adapt the vision of every bed-wetting 10 year old that sends us a non-linear, satirical narrative for consideration. Maybe you should try drawing your </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">own</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> video game. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> You'll be glad to note, however, that we will be co-opting various pieces of your non-patented intellectual property. The morally relativistic, sea otter Civil War stratagem, "Otters of Fortune" is in production now and slated to be shelved for tax reasons as early as May.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Enjoy your hike,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _______<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Correspondence Management Dept.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Johnny was a defected militant. In the past few years, the company in which he had dutifully served since boyhood (he was a member of the rural mountain class who's sons were more or less funneled indiscriminately into the military, and, as such, were rapidly disappearing from the cramped, teeming confines of the mountainside) had been stricken with an ideological infection at the highest level of command. The directly-democratic, civilian government had been slowly distancing itself from it's military arm. Unpopular arrangements, which allowed the military to contract out it's resources and services to private enterprises (typically with a General or two on the board) for a highly-transparent and accountable profit, were coming to the public's attention quickly, but not fast enough to prevent an attempted marshall coup. As each soldier was an equal shareholder with comprehensive health benefits, competitive wages, and an optional retirement fund (most soldiers were treated so well, and with such dignity, that they stayed in service until the day they died; either working in the orchard compound, practicing mindfulness, or composing subsidized works of philosophy, fiction, or landscape painting commissioned by the military's Quality of Life commission), very few within the ranks were compelled to reject the new regime.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I cannot stand and watch as my homeland is over-run by bed bugs," said Johnny upon his discharge.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You of all people should know that the military's only involvement with bed bugs is harvesting them. They are the perfect human-blood storage-technology. "<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "My intel tells a different story." Johnny drew a crude sketch of a bed bug and slid it across the expanse of desk.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Look, Reef, I don't have time to pore through all this embedded information. I have families to look after. Hell, one big family, come to think of it. If you don't want to be a part of that family, well, there's the door. But you should know, you are breaking my goddamn heart."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Time would confirm Johnny's suspicions. Bed bugs had in fact infiltrated the highest levels of command, and were devising a bloodless takeover, with plans to eventually transition into a resource-based economy where all people had the freedom and comforts necessary to live in a state of pure being, and pursue only what was most beautiful to them. They planned to liberate technology from the profit-driven model, so that visionaries and inventors could find real-world solutions for problems that, while lacking a profit-motive, profoundly affected people's ability to live free. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> With military-funded road improvements preventing him from returning home anytime soon, Johnny set about assembling a band of unlikely rogues, each with a specific vendetta against the bed bugs' utopian shadow government. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> While stopped at an inn on the river, Johnny noticed a mysterious figure hunched in a corner booth wearing a boogie-board brand sweatshirt; restlessly fingering an ornate glass pipe, visible from across the room.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Soon [there' ll] be nothing left to steal," said the thief without looking up. "Wanna know where I stole this pipe from?" He took a deep drag and exhaled, "My son's best friend. How's he (his son) supposed to learn to look after anything if it can't be stolen? I mean, that's what dad's </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">do</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">," he added dolefully. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's a good question, stranger. I had a father-figure once, but he never had time to steal from me. He had 'families to look after.' Showed me the door."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Sounds like military talk."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Johnny chortled knowingly. "That obvious?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "If only bed bugs weren't so goddamn hard to get rid of."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "If only there was some way to completely isolate ourselves and live off the resources of other people while we built up a resistance."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I've heard of a resistance camp on one of the islands, but you'd need an airship to get there."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I wish I had those kind of resources at my disposal."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, I know someone with two ships, but one of them he keeps docked to capitalize on market scarcity. He might be willing to help." The thief added laboriously, "There's a catch, though." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Damn it, there are </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">never</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> catches!" Johnny did an infantile frustration dance and wet his pants. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "It's a long journey uphill to his place."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The Captain was a Falstafian, part-time mushroom farmer who lived on the far side of the mountain from where Johnny had grown up. Since no one had ever found a way to make a profit building a road from one side of the mountain to the other, the Captain was unused to seeing strange figures making the long ascent up his dirt drive, past the rows and rows of mildly swaying mushrooms.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Taking a seat in the Captain's sitting room, which was disgusting beyond the descriptive powers of the written word, the unlikely trio embarked on what would be one of many fruitless head-scratching sessions around his high-gloss tree-stump coffee table.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "So you want to find the resistance, do you?", the Captain chuckled swarthily as he poured scalding, rust-colored mushroom tea into the cupped hands of his guests. "You think they know something you don't? Think they've got some kind of hidden knowledge? You think that by virtue of them being born more intuitive than you that they've been able to stumble across some exotic truth that will solve all your problems?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Of course!", howled Johnny, who hated being led to answer mostly hypothetical questions on mountains.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "And you think that just by talking to them, you'll be able to gain access to that particular information? And, in turn, that information will transform you? Set you free?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Yes! Yes! How else are you supposed to access hidden truth? Some words are non-true and some words are true and to find patented Truth you need to hear as many potentially-true words as you can! Then at the end of your life you tally up all the truths against all the non-truths you subscribed to and that's how you determine whether or not you were right! Do you really need me to explain it to you?" <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Captain Falstaff nodded thoughtfully and led Johnny and the thief out to the yard. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "There something I want to show you." The Captain plucked a sheath of tall grass and twirled it attentively in his fingers. "This soil holds tools more powerful and mysterious than anything even the bed bugs know, but you've stopped listening." The sun had just begun to set, casting pretty heavy-handed swaths of orange and purple across the silent mountains' berth. The air was spiced with eucalyptus, jade and bay leaves, the far-side of the mountains' only exportable goods. The Captain placed a clothes-iron hand on Johnny's shoulder and quietly asked, "See those fields of mushrooms? Kind of looks like they've been speckled by star dust." The Captain put his hands on his hips and gazed directly into the sun. "We're high enough up it wouldn't surprise me. Now guess what those mushrooms grow out of."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Honest mountain dirt, obviously."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Wrong", the Captain whispered huskily. "Manure."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "How embarrassing! Manure is an objectively negative abstraction. It's unclean!", Johnny spluttered, Griffith-like.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's right. No one likes manure. Underneath that manure I have stockpiled a huge armory of weapons from my travels all over the world. Death is the only truth man knows. Now, what I need you two to do is help me collect and burn all these mushrooms, because the bed bugs just</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> love </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">them and I'm afraid that eventually they'll discover my guns. If you help me do that I'll give you a ride to the island. Based on your description it really sounds like they know what they're talking about."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "But that will take weeks!", said Johnny. "Not to mention the fact that my hands are severely burnt."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I'm sorry, I designed a Mushroom-Harvesting Mechanism, patented and everything, but this is the only market where these mushrooms grow and with the number of harvester units I'm likely to sell, it doesn't really justify the costs of testing and development."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, I can't argue with that!" said the thief from the cockpit of the Captain's airship. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's what dad's do!", squealed Johnny as he jumped in the passenger seat.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Coincidentally, their non-traditional take off took care of the mushrooms.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I need to start taking better care of my shit," the Captain learned.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The island wasn't easy to find, as the shuddering wails of the thousands of beached sea-otters washed up on the shore interfered with the ships patented sonar navigation system. Compounding the issue was an unidentifiable gibberish flooding the ships' carefully calibrated landing software. Through the deafening blather Johnny was able to make out the occasional,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Come down! We just ask you come down! Come down in this place O </span></span></span><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">____</span></span></span><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I think we've found it! Land here!", commanded Johnny.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I can't see anything!", protested the thief.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's how you know it's real!", reasoned Johnny.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That doesn't make any sense!," cried the thief.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Look at the way the wind is battering our airship! Are you going to tell me invisible wind isn't real?", countered Johnny.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What about solar winds? Solar winds are highly visible! Do you use naturally-occurring phenomenon to corroborate all of your philosophical processes?", mindlessly quibbled the thief.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Solar winds were discovered long after that argument was conceived! Not to mention that that particular metaphor has been a handy teaching tool for thousands of years! What have solar winds, or anything visible for that matter, ever done?" <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I'll land, I'll land!", screamed the thief. "Please stop talking!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> After a few long days of paddling the gigantic, surprisingly buoyant, airship to shore, Johnny and the thief were horrified to discover that the bed bugs had reached the island long before them. What was worse was that the bed bugs and human resistance appeared to be co-habitating the island in relative peace. At charming, sunlit corner cafes all over the island, bed bugs and freedom fighters were having coffee or tea, engaged in lively conversations about any number of things. Strangely, however, everyone seemed to be talking in languages non-native to them, if they could really be called languages at all. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What's going on here?" yelped Johnny, decapitating a pair of bed bug just as their paninis were coming out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> A human waiter put the paninis down and said, "New to the island, are you?" Glancing down at the twitching abdomens of his customers, he reassured Johnny it was fine, as these two had been sitting here for hours just using the free wireless to give themselves cancer. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Where the hell is the resistance?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Visibly baffled, the waiter asked, "Are you looking for the Civil War re-enactment?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No, I am looking for the literal Civil War! I'm here to fight the occupation!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Well, you're a little late. The resistance disbanded after we signed the treaty. Here, I have a copy on my camera phone."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "This is a wooden box with a mirror in it!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Oh, you haven't seen one of these yet? They </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">just </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">came out."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> " What language is this? I can't read any of it!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Oh, wow, so you're really out of the loop. The bed bugs taught us a new way to communicate using raw data and pure intention. They gave everyone their own individual language and though you have no idea what you're saying, the bed bugs are able to make the necessary deductive leaps in order to discern what it is they think we mean. There haven't been any problems since."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "But can't they just interpret what you say any way they want?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "You shut up! That is not true! You've got a lot of gall coming in here and slaying two of my best customers and then threatening to enslave me!" <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I said nothing of the sort!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The waiter giggled like an idiot and said, "See, it's possible to misinterpret people no matter what language they're speaking. I know that you thought you were doing the right thing by murdering those bed bugs in cold blood, but the bugs and us were just having a communication breakdown. What we called 'being poor', they called a 'reality-based economic principle.'" Does it really matter what you call things? Is a land governed by a benevolent military complex dedicated to civil service inherently worse than a civil government castrated by bureaucracy and political ambition? I mean, sure, it doesn't always work, but no system can work for all people all the time." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> By this point the Bed Bugs seemed to be in the thralls of a massive Collective Death-Euphoria and had begun to drag their headless corpses to a nearby, really hot, hole in the ground, leaving behind two sinister smelling streaks of gore. "Here everyone just assumes that no one else is saying anything cruel or false and it all works out. The only real problem now is what to do about those sea-otters."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "God, what a miserable racket," said the thief.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "We have pretty strict noise ordinances around here."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Johnny grossly misunderstood what the waiter had just said and struck him down before asking directions to the Civil War re-enactment.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Through the burbling blood Johnny was able to make out, "It's a free event at one of the various community centers." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Naturally, the thief grabbed the camera phone which the waiter had carelessly dropped on his way to the ground.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The rest of the game is essentially the meta-bloodbath of deeply confused Bed Bug Civil War re-enactment enthusiasts. Johnny is equipped with two interchangeable weapons: a tongue sword and indecent exposure. Upon completing the game, the player has the option of playing again from the bed bugs' perspective, but they don't carry any weapons and the game is decidedly less action-packed.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-72657449915133931492010-11-25T03:07:00.000-08:002010-11-25T03:14:35.167-08:006. AND STUFF<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size:small;"><h1 style="display: block; line-height: 28px; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0.8em; margin-left: 0px; font-size:26px;"><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Johnny Reef, the offspring of Steve and Patented Kristin, was conceived, albeit awkwardly, in a moving Jet-Pack, and he, I'd assume, hasn't stopped moving since. Once, he and his wife blew into my town (as he would no doubt describe it), and rambled right into Otter Patent High School. He taught Spanish and Yearbook (1999 theme: "Goin' The Distance"), and his wife taught Computer. What he taught wasn't so much interesting as what he </span></span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">did. </span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">He was a black belt in karate, was in an ongoing legal battle with a well-known, 70's-themed rock group, claiming they had plagiarized the lyrics of the chorus to his song, "Goin' The Distance" (he had a separate patent on the phrase itself); and would spin incredible first person narratives he would go on to reference as historical fact for months on end before revealing that the whole thing had just been one impossibly complex metaphor and didn't we feel silly? Basically, it was impossible to stay one step ahead with Reef. Needless to say, this was detrimental to the patented Learning-Pursuit, as in the case of his Spanish Culture Class (which the course title morphed into, by virtue of playing to Johnny's strengths), which was more or less a survey of Johnny's year-long, solo motorcycle quest through Argentina. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> Once, he took credit for being thanked by one of the best-selling Music-Themed View-Tainment patented Pop Groups in the world, on one of the most highly-viewed television events of the year, which had been recorded on enough people's camera phones to secure a fact-check, after some students misheard their thank-you speech.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> Without missing a beat, "Yes, </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">girls</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">, I managed those guys for a bit early on (He shuffles desk papers, thinking, "No big deal, I mean, can you say it really </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">surprises </span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> you? Oh, please don't make me tell you about it all; it was so long ago and I was a completely different - Okay! Okay. Now playfully get ready to say,' You know</span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">, guys,</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> we're </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">supposed </span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">to be studying </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Spanish Culture</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">.' I'm not mad! Sit on the desk, fold your arms, and squint at ceiling with </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">long</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> exhale.")." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> I quickly got an iron grip on the fact that he absolutely could </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">not </span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">resist taking credit for anything under the sun.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Mr. Reef, I heard you were originally scheduled to be on the crew of the Challenger."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "(His eyes close as the ghosts of the Challenger crew hang over the dark waters, and he thinks, "This is </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">not</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> something I am ready to discuss."). Close call. Close call." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Mr. Reef, I read about someone with the last name Reif who used to smuggle people between East and West Berlin."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "(He laughs warmly, with a distinct air of good-hearted rambunctiousness.) Why do you think I had to come to America?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> He had developed a Non-Ordinary Reality detailing the story of how he cured the rare blood disease of a young Israeli girl. One day Johnny received a call from his Doctor.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Johnny?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Here."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "It's the Doctor. Look, you're not going to believe me. Actually, you might. You've done and seen some </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">surprising</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> things."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> Johnny was used to people's endless caveats while trying to stay on his level. "Let's hear it."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Well, all the Doctors of the world are currently baffled over this rare blood disease that's broken out in Israel. What's even more baffling is that there's only been one confirmed infection since someone by the name of Reef discovered it. I was going to ask; coincidence?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "I was involved in the research phase of the discovery of some rare blood diseases of Middle-Eastern origin, yes. That was, well, a long time ago, but it's likely."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "I wouldn't be surprised, but, look, Johnny, I was going over your blood work, and you are the only approved match in the world for a blood transfusion that would save her life."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "I'm getting on the next plane, then."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "No so fast, Johnny. There's a catch."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> Johnny shook his head, "Always is."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "You probably won't survive the procedure. Plus, you have that whole story about having been a recovered drug addict, and your blood may be unusable."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "That was a </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">metaphor</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">; a </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">teaching tool</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Ah! Wonderful!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> Needless to say, Johnny </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">was</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> on the next plane to Israel, where his motorcycle awaited him on the runway. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> After a few days drive, Johnny arrived in the village of the young girl's family.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "This is the man who's going to save your life," the girl's father whispered in her hear when Johnny solemnly entered the room. His motorcycle could be heard clicking and popping in the heat-flavored gelatin air.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Do you mind if we have a few moments alone?", Johnny asked. The doctors, family members, and mystics assembled around the bed were escorted out and soon there was no one in the room who's blood wasn't fare rarer than anyone else's on Earth.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "How do you feel, little one?" Johnny asked while taking hold of her pinky.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Sir, I am afraid," she said brokenly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "You never have to be afraid again, I am here to cure you, if you will allow my literal blood into your literal heart. Will you accept my blood?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "I will, sir. I do."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Not so fast, there's a catch."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> The girl shook her head, "Always is."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "If I give you my blood, you will need to live in a way worthy of my sacrifice. Do you think you can do that? Can you go the distance?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "I can. I will."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> The procedure was planned for the following morning, as there was no time to lose. Despite Johnny's exceptional physique and general health, there were complications and he passed away in the early hours of the morning, long after the girl had made a full recovery. She sat at the foot of his bed weeping, wondering if </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">any</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> life is worth this cost. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> Johnny's last thought before slipping into endless night was, "</span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Every</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> life is worth this cost."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> A nano-moment later, Johnny Reef was standing at the foot of the Throne. A Griffith-like creature covered in eyeballs approached him, and, with his entire body, stared deeply into his forehead before howling in a language that sounded like breaking glass,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Prepare for the Judgement! He is busy knocking people unconscious but He will be here soon, and it will be </span></span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">you</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> who is late! Soon you will reef what you have sown!" The creature attempted to sit and screeched in pain as his entire back-side became blood-shot and drippy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Did you say 'reef' just now?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Maybe!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "How strange."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Why's that!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Well, it's nothing, but I patented that phrase, "Reef what you have sown," for a men's martial-arts retreat I organized. Have you been saying that for long?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "No, just this one time, I misspoke!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "SILENCE!," the Lord stumbled into the room, "BOTH OF YOU ARE LATE FOR JUDGEMENT!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Why me!", spluttered the Griffith.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "YOU HAVE MISSPOKE! MR. REEF HAS PATENTED THAT PHRASE! THE PENALTY IS DEATH!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "Lord," interjected Johnny, "I would like to pay this Griffith's debt. As the patent holder, I will sacrifice any royalties I would have made off the use of my patented phrase."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "YOU ARE A LIAR AND A THIEF, JOHNNY REEF, BUT YOUR SACRIFICE HAS BEEN MADE IN THE SPIRIT OF TRUE LOVE AND, AS SUCH, I AM RETURNING YOU TO EARTH TO TELL YOUR SPANISH CULTURE CLASS THAT NONE OF THIS EVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED AND IT'S ALL JUST A HEAVY-HANDED METAPHOR FOR A HEAVY-HANDED METAPHOR! YOU MUST START GOIN' THE DISTANCE INSTEAD OF TAKIN' THE SHORTEST, CHEAPEST ROUTE TO PEOPLE'S AFFECTION AND TRUST!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> Did you just say, "Goin' the distance"?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "YES! IT IS A VERY HANDY TEACHING TOOL!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "He died of theta-poisoning", the mortician said as he tried to make due with an embalming machine he had rigged out a plaster bucket and battery casings, when Johnny sat up and bellowed, <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> "I have conquered death!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> Johnny's real passion was karate. While no small amount of theological acrobatics were necessary in incorporating Eastern mysticism with Western Panting, with being obsessed with physical fitness, Johnny gracefully traversed the expanse anytime he showed up to class in his traditional karategi so he wouldn't have to change before his after-school sessions. He would bow to each of us, presumably to impress on us the profound humility of a master willing to bow to his pupils while wearing a bathrobe. His whole demeanor changed when he was dressed thus. He spoke quieter, used even more heavily obscured language, and gave a lot of thoughtful lee-way in terms of what a "right" answer was. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> A few students taking karate classes independently attested to the fact that his expertise fell into the latter category. This didn't prevent him from amassing a small group of young devotees, who, I have no doubt, got a lot out of their time with him. After their time in his shadow, some even went on to do things like learn karate. A Shaman is someone with access to hidden knowledge, and what knowledge is more hidden, and thus worthy of consideration, than the kind that exists solely in the head of one man?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> Johnny got fired after exposing himself to the principal during a meeting where he was being let go for using an obscenity the Devil had patented to describe a fellow teacher, and even though he really had to use the restroom, was instructed to "Hold it." So he held it.</span></span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> </h1></span>J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-86540539205080463932010-11-20T14:13:00.000-08:002010-11-20T14:15:04.130-08:005. LEE COPPERHEAD'S ETERNITY BLOOZ<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">The following is a transcript of _____'s very candid audio notes (transferred from camera phone) chronicling the initial inception phase, as well as three character profiles, for the re-tooled "Deeply Damaged: Cautiously Approaching Death On The Shore": <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee Copperhead was the childless, barrel-chested, unaccredited principal of a Messianic Jewish Pentecostal day school. He had no formal training or college degree, but his beard made him look supremely magisterial and I harbor suspicions that he got the job based on his patented Facial-Hair alone. His unfortunately deep-set eyes always seemed to be thoughtfully locked squarely on people's foreheads, just out of step with the eyes of whoever he was addressing. Being as that most student interactions with him were positioned so as he was behind them while he un-spared the rod, this quirk rarely impinged on effective communication. Naturally, he charmed the pants off Old Man and Old Woman.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> One of the ways Lee implemented his own specific brand of micro-management was to burst into Hebrew class unannounced and declare that it was time to pick a girl and watch as she attempted to take the shape of various letters of the Hebrew alphabet with her body. He would be on hand to assist with the particularly dexterous positions, while simple letters like "Alef" could be admired from a distance. Sadly, he would administer back rubs with his weird hands which he, no doubt, likened as unto a carpenter's or something. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee's wife was one of two school secretaries, which, in retrospect, must be way up there with non-event jobs. The entire school, kindergarten through grade 16, was comprised of 30 kids, max. My eighth grade class had two students, me and an all-star contortionist. They had </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">two</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> receptionists. This was at the kind of school where kids jeeringly taunted, "Pride comes before a fall!" when you hit a double in kick-ball.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> So, maybe you're the kind of camera phone that can deduce that Lee loved the young ladies, which is unfortunate, as his wife, the receptionist from earlier, appeared to be a good 25 years his senior. The way I imagine Lee now is having been a second wave modern Messianic Jew (there's a pretty significant gap between the waves of the 1st and 20th Centuries) and joining up right as the utopian 80's years of the Messianic Jewish counter-culture was tapering off. I'm sure the prospect of an easy-in to the community with a mature, sensual woman-elder of the compound was absolutely scintillating at the time, but no doubt as the idealism of the early 80's fazed out, and beards became less and less statement-oriented, the relationship had cooled.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Lee wouldn't be on hand for my 8th grade year as he got a case of the bed bugs and decided to run off with receptionist number 2 who, sadly, was much older than he. Mohammed married older. According to some non-corrupted biographical information, one of modernity's Shamans, the Viking of 6th Street, also had a penchant for strictly older women, and while there may be some room to draw a parallel between paddling kids and drumming, a blind street-genius Lee was not. That's not to say that he didn't enter into an authentic enlightened trance while hitting kids. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I managed to give Lee a pretty wide berth for a little while, but it was only a matter of time before he wanted to spank me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> One day in chapel I took it upon myself to share a vision with the school. Lee had just given a talk about obeying the teaching staff, and I was overcome with a vision of a bearded man standing on a mountain,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "And his tongue wasn't a human tongue, but a sword! And he used this sword to cut children in half like so many defenseless bed bugs! In one hand he held the thigh of a virgin and in the other a paddle, pointed towards Jerusalem! People would gather around because they assumed that all the blood at his feet was the blood of the Lamb, but it was actually children-blood! The blood of a million children's uniform pants! And the blood would not turn into wine! He would use his influence to convince people to give up their children to his tutelage! He made it rain toothbrushes so that there wouldn't be but one dirty toilet-bowl in all the four-corners of the earth! Because the earth is flat, and so it only stands to reason that it has four corners! And folksy punishments fly in the face of a culture absent of values! This false prophet was given authority over a small flock hidden way, way down in the valley where no one ever went, so no one could hear him sowing lies in the ears of God's children! But God saw him and judged his heart!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> It was obvious to Lee that my verbal exorcisms were not taking and, as he saw it, the only course of action God was leaving him was to physically assault the demons. I was in 7th grade and it would only be a few more years before even Old Woman would abandon this technique, so I was having none of it. Knowing that a physical altercation, other than a consensual beating, was beyond what even Lee was willing to dole out (the beard couldn't justify </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">everything</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">), and I walked on home.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Along the way, which passed through a few neighborhood backyards, I was stopped by Satan and, what appeared to be, a future version of Lee, shorn of his beard. He was no longer staring confidently at anybody's forehead, and an otter's jawbone hung limply at his side, like he was embarrassed of it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Servant! I have revealed myself to you in order to show that this man's future sin, which you won't be privy to until you're old enough to hear that kind of talk, completely disproves my existence! Now, we have something of a trip ahead of us." </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-14371873732194711362010-11-16T10:33:00.000-08:002010-11-16T10:35:20.259-08:004. DEAD SPIRIT ANIMAL RETURNS<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Before sunrise I was walking a stretch of beach outside of Fort Bragg in Mendocino County, just starting to bore myself with thinking about how unfathomably powerful and mysterious the ocean is, when I came across my spirit-animal, Beached Sea Otter. In fact, it was a "real" beached sea otter, and I immediately panicked trying to grapple with what-it-is-exactly that generally moral people who once worked at a rainforest-themed restaurant are supposed to do in situations like this. Interestingly enough, my spirit animal </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">happens</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> to be a beached sea otter, but he really doesn't usually have at his disposal the kind of faculties necessary to compel me to do or learn much of majestic-anything in morbid ethical scenarios. He is in bad shape. Some kind of accident forever ago.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I proceeded to ask otter (when making reference to a spirit animal, most patented Alchemical Healing books-on-tape will make sure to clarify that one is never to place an article, such as "the" or "an", in front of it's man-name) why he'd never shown up in any of my Shamanic episodes at the MJP school. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He replied by grunting and nimbly twitching in a way I wouldn't have assumed gigantic sea-mammals can.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I never saw his face and couldn't really make out much of what he was saying, as his back was turned to me, but I got the distinct impression he had no idea who I was. Of tantamount importance to him at the time, I suppose, were the Camp Host's two dogs which were presently going absolutely ape-shit all around him. Bear in mind this is all quite beautiful-looking by virtue of it now being full-on sunrise complete with ham-fisted hues of purple and orange. Old Man was always diligent in impressing on me how sunrises and sunsets are objective proof of God's superiority as an artist. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What message do you think God is trying to express through sunsets, Old Man?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "He's saying, 'I AM THE SAME TODAY, YESTERDAY, AND FOREVER ! I AM UNCHANGING! HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That doesn't sound much like an artist."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "He is God first, artist second."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I thought he was Jesus second."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No, he's Jesus </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">and</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> God first. They count as one."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "So, you're saying his scope as a sunset artist is limited by people's expectations of him as God."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "God isn't limited by anything." Old Man said driving like a maniac on the unseasonably deserted roadway.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Then God should get some outside perspective."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "God doesn't need anyone's help. Who needs help is someone who doesn't like sunsets just the way God made-"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Old Man slammed on the brakes and we hit a sea otter that just came out of absolutely nowhere.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I AM AS BEAUTIFUL AS A SUNSET! THE DIFFERENCES ARE ARBITRARY AT BEST!," wailed the sea otter (non-S.A. article permitted).<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Although what the sea otter had to say was actually quite profound, talking animals are sure-fire proof of demonic possession and Old Man sped off as I cast spells out the back window.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Then fifteen years passed and here I was with the answer to my question about where he'd been. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Those aren't my dogs!", I called out, hoping he'd understand.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Feebly he said a few words in English I couldn't hear.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I started to make my way up to Camp Host's RV thinking that I might ask him to call Spirit Animal Control for the otter, and maybe his stupid dogs. The otters’ refrain grew louder and louder as I hurried up the embankment.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "No, no," Camp Host said, the smell of a frozen pizza cooking at 7:30 in the morning wafting into the cold, sea air. "He's at the mercy of the ocean now," he said wistfully. "The ocean is a powerful and mysterious thing."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Unfathomably so."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> It turned out my Spirit Animal was calling out "Kill me! Your father had to kill me and now it's your turn! Become the murderer! Become the father!" but I wouldn't know that until much later and it would be a long time before anyone would walk by there again.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-90367338418673772232010-11-11T14:20:00.000-08:002010-11-11T14:25:33.432-08:003. BROOKDALE LODGE: A DARK CORNER OF THE HUMAN EXPERIMENT<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">"That's what</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> dad's</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> do!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Was the unintentional punch line of a surprisingly lucid story about stealing a glass pipe from your step-son's friend.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I wouldn't do shit like that if I didn't </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">like</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> him! Anyway he just got a settlement so he bought two cars (naturally). A '67 fuckin, (there was long pause here) Thunderbird and an 1817 Camaro that were just sitting up here on the hill and he just fucking went up there and bought 'em straight out. I had to give him a fucking a ride </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">back </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">to pick up the </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">second </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">one!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The morning after, I was kicking myself for not getting to the bottom of the "settlement" specifics, but the way he said it kind of framed it like a local coming of age ritual.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I mean, if you can't take care of a fucking sweet-ass pipe; look at this pipe! Hold that shit!" The pipe was warm and the approximate weight of a patented Hand-Gun. "How's he gonna take care of fucking </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">two</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> cars? He can't park 'em on </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">my </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">fuckin" lot! You know? What's he gonna do? Rent a small block of my yard to be his Wealth-Themed Car Park?" He laughed in a reminiscently pig-faced fashion and I only sort of saw why that detail was particularly significant, while simultaneously being deeply confused with the whole </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">insistent </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">"patent" and "theme" narrative device he seemed bent on employing. I wondered if this wasn't all just a bit obtuse foreshadowing, and I resented my stoned narrator's heavy-handed liberties. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What's he going to do with the rest of the money?," I eventually asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "What </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">rest</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> of it?" We both laughed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "He can have a vacation car."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Pipe-Guy contemplated this for a good minute.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> As I examined the burnt DMTSS residue in the pipe, a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">gigantic</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Samoan dude came charging up the incline from the lodge entrance, attempting to propel himself up the gentle incline with one </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">gigantic</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> heft of his weight, only to lose momentum half way through and have to start all over. After three attempts, which I watched in complete silence for what seemed like a </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">really </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">long seven thousand years, he made it the 15 feet. He was teetering and glistening by the time he stabilized, coming to a rolling stop where we were sitting. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Pipe Guy bellowed, “This is the Captain, man! He has two boats!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “Oh, yeah?” I asked. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The Captain replied in the wisest voice imaginable, “Vessels. Salmon, man. Got a place in Renton. You want my beer?” There was a steady stream of beer running through his beard and back into his glass.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> “No, I took some mushrooms.” The words died in my mouth as I spiraled into a psychedelic shame spiral. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The Captain chuckled and farted empathetically, “Oh, man, I was scrapping mushrooms off some fucking... manure this morning. Yeah.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Pipe Guy interjected in a panic of recollection, “Captain, man, tell him what you were telling me!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The Captain took a moment to gather his thoughts and exploded, “Oh, man, he has to walk home uphill and I get to walk home downhill! See, he gives me shit because I have to walk uphill to get here, but when we leave I get to give him shit!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> We high-fived like two unicorns in a stabbing match.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> This was, admittedly, a perfect arrangement, but I couldn't help but wonder if that wasn't the story Pipe-Guy had in mind.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The Captain lolled his head like he was catching satellite debris snowflakes, spread his arms and, after a few beats, howled at the sky before starting the easy walk home.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's what </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">dad's</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> do!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> That's what dad's do.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Brookdale is either a great place to make meth or the perfect locale for a an executive share-holder's trust-building retreat (last year's theme: "Be Everywhere"), depending on where your parts spend their time. The Brookdale Lodge is where biker gangs hold their initiation ceremonies in the haunted atrium; where a girl ("Sarah") drowned once. Right where the restaurant is now. I've never been in there when it was open for dining, and, unbelievably, one of menus, augmented with a few specials of my own design from a previous visit, appeared to still be in circulation. The fakest-looking real creek you've ever seen runs through the middle of the room. The Lodge is inundated with sex offenders who take up permanent residence and recreate in the parking lot all hours of the day, sexually-speaking. Strange, small groups of people in their fifties with the distinct look of real Satanists (black windbreakers, rings, sneakers) pull up, walk in through the back entrance and, after being inside for something like ten minutes, drive off. People franticly walk out of the surrounding woods to violently throw a coin in the wishing well before retreating immediately back. On a personal note, I once heard the voice of a young girl singing wordlessly as I walked past the rows of unheated rooms on my way to wait for the next day to come. Upon further examination, it ended up sounding more like Old Woman singing in her "wittle giwl" voice. Undoubtedly, she was smiling serenely as she held her knees in her arms and rocked gently on the bed, which, to anyone, is an infinitely more unsettling scenario. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Earlier that evening, before seeing the Captain off, I had the specific misfortune of watching as a varied crowd of very drunk, but seemingly benign, bikers, stoned caretakers, and patented Beach Bums turned into a leering rabble of Puritan huns, just </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">loving</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> the fact that an amateur stripper got sucker-pushed off of a 5 and a half foot stage by the meanest looking Pig-Face you've ever seen. The worst part was that the band playing, that everyone was there to see, and everyone was, presumably, in era-channeling, disbelief-suspending, harmonic fakery with, was "harkening" the sound of 1970's free-love and sexual liberation. After watching someone who was more or less an obvious ideological extension (or aesthetic inevitability) of their patented Band-Themed Sound get pushed off a stage by somebody who most resembled a Birther, one of them very un-groovily barked, "</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Thank </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">you!" into the microphone before launching into a bass solo that was most likely about something. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Later, talking to the bartender, who seemed like the kind of lady who had probably danced on a few elevated surfaces in her time (the 70's), I mentioned how scary it was seeing somebody take a fall like that in high heels. Said bartender had been good enough to call her a cab and make sure she got home. Apparently, she (the stripper) had been the date of the local Marijuana-Food farmer, who was pointed out to me as being the individual high-fiving a group of what appeared to be, his patented Dune-Buggy riding Marine buddies, while joyously pantomiming, what could have been, pushing a large bale of weed into the back of a Hummer. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "It's just so sad," said the waitress, eyes down, busily wiping.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I know, you'd expect people to have a little more sympathy, given the circumstances," I said, eyes down, busily talking.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "That's exactly the problem," she sighed knowingly. "Some people just don't care about anyone but themselves."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> This had me feeling a little convicted. I had been in the kind of condition where all I could really manage, in terms of the rescue effort, was to stand agape, trying not to internalize what this whole sorry display said about my character. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Yeah," I said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "I mean, that slut was ruining the show for </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">everyone</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> The next day I stopped at a Moving Sale on a turnout and bought a realistic-looking black windbreaker, some rings and a pair of sneakers for $6 from a stripper moving to a new apartment in Fenton. She was lovely and I hoped no one would ever push her off a stage, whatever the height.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> A few days before and about an hour South, I had gone on a hike with a fellow I buy drugs from in Big Sur (more than once I've heard him described as "the quarterback of Big Sur"). Once we got out on some bluffs the quarterback pointed out the rolling estate of one half of the union who started the company Old Man works for. It struck me that the people who start these companies never begin with the dream that one day they'll own a $300,000 dollar home in a suburban-themed nightmare, conveniently located an hour drive from an urban-themed wet-dream. Fact is, they need people to work for them who assume that their dream is in some way congruent with the boss's. In Ordinary Reality, CEO's, shareholders, and Pant Otters want the patented Natural-Themed dream, but success, like most things we've been taught to value, is, like anything else we know, sanctified by scarcity. The people designing our gentrification want to live like Walden the Uni-bomber, hidden serenely up in the hills, oblivious to the stench of de-frosting death washing up at their multiple doorsteps. The bed bugs won't spare them.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-15306330963015072882010-11-08T14:56:00.000-08:002010-11-08T14:58:39.309-08:002. METAPHYSICALLY DUBIOUS EXERCISES<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">The following is the recently salvaged, practically unreadable, wildly unabridged introduction for Reef Patent Co., Publishing Division's proposed memoir, "Deeply Damaged: The Prolonged Embrace Of My Sexually Alarming Spiritual Emergence" printed here in full:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> There are few questions left unanswered for very long for a conscious bundle of organic light, but why I ever pretended I could speak in tongues is beyond me. When you have the kind of parents who don't bat an eye when you come home from your first day of school with tales of spiritual initiation rites into a fanatical Messianic-Jewish Pentecostal fringe cult with historically-revisionist Zionist political leanings, but who potentially could have been roused out of inaction if I had been expelled for refusing to engage in said metaphysically dubious exercises, it's obvious I made a woefully near-sighted split-second decision. By successfully mumbling something that sounded enough like the blessing that was sung by the class in lieu of the traditional American Otter Pant at the beginning of the day, I managed to convince my new teacher that I had was able to channel automatic Hebrew, or at least three words of it. This greased the axels of my first day a bit, and I was regarded with no small amount of wonder and jealousy by my new, less tongue-inclined classmates. There were, however, some formidable scatters in the group.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Each morning began with 20 minutes of mandatory prayer language chanting. I can't imagine what a stranger might say were he to accidentally walk in on a room full of traumatized youths darting their glassy, far-seeing eyes around while speaking gibberish to no one in particular. I used this time to whittle away the rough edges of my bit and do what I could to make it, or at least what I perceived to be, convincingly Middle-Eastern sounding. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> My foray into language-based hallucination ended upon attendance of my first chapel service. Chapel was where I would experience the second miracle of my adolescence. First-graders raised from the cradle as Shamans were out in the aisles having convincingly terrifying seizures complete with tears and visitations from dead Grandpas and flying babies. Dancing was mandatory. Teachers would take shifts manually raising the arms of the non-compliant. The grand finale was an event that would loom large in the coming years; being slain in the spirit. Getting knocked unconscious made vaguely nebulous-sounding Hebrew (people were catching on) look nothing short of amateur, which, to be fair, it technically was. Being "slain in the spirit", (which will from here on out will appear exclusively in parenthesis), a potent combination of the power of suggestion, biochemistry, and showmanship, is patented Reality-Based Proof that one's God is real and moving, in no subtle way, through the physical world. Why a relatively powerful and wise God would choose to reveal himself to his followers almost exclusively through feats of strength (whether or not knocking over vomiting children can be considered much of a "feat of strength") in no way diminished being slain's general desirability. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> This God bore more of a resemblance to the God of the Old Testament (the haughty brute) and the New Testament (the magician), than any I had been presented with prior and thus all seemed theologically sound. Of course, if you found yourself unable to black out on command there was undoubtedly some sort of demonic activity afoot. Demon expulsion was taught as something of a practical skill, similar to "shop" or "Spanish Culture", and my 5th grade teacher in particular had a reputation as something of a check-out line exorcist. How she was able to casually diagnosis demon possession as a likely cause for mundane aches and/or pains to unwitting strangers in line with her at the store must have been a miracle of tact in and of itself. Nevertheless, she reported a pretty impressive success-rate when it came to casting out demon-induced headaches. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> All in all it appeared to me that God's sense of grandeur had diminished exponentially since the days of infanticide and frog rain, and was content to let the invisible armies of darkness and light do battle over concerns more or less of no consequence. Once you have crossed that particular ontological breach, the one where you believe God enlists the services of warrior phantoms to administer his will regarding the common cold, the world becomes a terrifying place. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> In time, it was determined I had something of a demonic infection, a systemic manifestation of evil that had become so entrenched in my bowels that the services of the cult's premier exorcist were called in. Naturally, she started by asking the class to quietly provide a psychic barricade of prayer language, since we were more than likely about to come under heavy fire from a high-ranking demon prince-ling who was not about to let this </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">woman </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">compromise one of his strongholds of class disruption. The desired outcome of this ritual was my unconsciousness, and every able-bodied male in the class (of which there were about 6 total in the 4th, 5th and 6th grades combined, as the classes were) were on hand to make sure I didn't accumulate any new, demonically-inspired injuries on the way down. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I hadn't enjoyed my experience with spiritual espionage thus far, and wasn't about to compound expectations by attempting a realistic-looking "slay". After exhausting the average period of time that it usually takes for someone to whom God listens to determine whether or not this thing was going to take (which is never, ever contingent on their own intuition or skill in the case that it doesn't), she switched her attention to the squatting demons. Demons best respond to the phrase, "You have no place here!" and are compelled to reveal their title and rank upon the mere mention of Jesus' name. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> This seems as good a time as any to profile one of my favorite characters from around this time: my teacher's son. Unlike the rest of us, who got to return home and enjoy something of a respite from the inner-workings of spiritual warfare,</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> his</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> whole waking reality was framed in a language typically reserved for fantasy, the genre. What made him even more un-tethered from reality was his weekend hobby: Civil War re-enactment. I wondered if he ever incorporated demonology into his Civil War narratives. I suppose Civil War battles are superior to Old Testament battles in terms of reenactment due to the fact that they were far more even-sided than the Israelites perpetually wiping out the Canaanites. All this to say, he was purely ethereal. Deeply damaged (this books' namesake) in retrospect, and stripped of any viable reality to reckon with, but a harmless soul. What happens when you cease to live among the rest of us cave shadows and stare directly into the sun? Well, you start with collecting disciples and end with being a political fugitive, though, you remind the executioner, that wasn't totally the point. If you really wanted to, you could make a tidy little metaphor for internal civil wars, which I will demonstrate in Chapter 12.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Coincidentally, this was right around the time that a young man's mind turns irreversibly to all things sex until the end of his days. I couldn't help but take note that these people were, presumably, procreating through a method that seemed a little base given their spiritual responsibilities. This certainly made it difficult for me not to envision the Judeo-Orgasmic fruit-bearing rites that were occurring in the mystery hours surrounding our interactions. Unless, of course, their offspring were being conceived immaculately, which if someone were to tell me was the case, wouldn't have surprised me at all. I couldn't decide whether or not they regarded sex as an unfortunate logistical inevitability in raising hypothetical offspring in-the-way-they-should-go, or whether they actually enjoyed it. The latter was unthinkable. It also seemed likely that intercourse would be unthinkably risk-laden, in so far as contracting demons was concerned.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> And so, one of these fornicators was attempting to dislodge my demonic obstruction. One of the benefits of these rituals was the prospect of having the female quotient of the class laying on hands and interceding tenderly and melodically on your behalf. It was easy to read as far into the micro-movements that would occur during these events as you wanted. The repositioning of a hand, the brush of a thumb, and all the while knowing that their entire "being" was currently "being" utilized in the service of your patented Eternal Welfare State. It's possible that if you were able to relieve it of it's patented Psychotic Component, this exercise could do a world of good in a therapeutic context. For twenty minutes or so it was possible to leave the confines of, not only class, but the physical realm completely (when were we learning anything?). That this state can be induced under the most objectively false ideological circumstances has made me skeptical of self-induced altered states or casual drug use ever since. Someone transfixed on spiritual hypochondria brought on by burgeoning mental illness can have just as potent a moment of zen as a secular humanist hiker with a humble heart and an open mind contemplating Big Sur Co.’s Neon Poppies, if not more. In some ways, our brains are pretty non-discerning. The fact that in those moments I wasn't able to incorporate what I actually knew about the physical world into the likelihood that this experience was based in any kind perceivable truth frightens me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "Shamanic" experiences really aren't all that different. A Shaman enters into an altered state, utilizing drums or chanting, in order to enter a Non-Ordinary Reality and bring back useful information for people who are too busy harvesting or hunting to sit around and do drugs. What I brought back from the Dreamtime was generally wrong or just compromised information that, maybe, was interpretively sound, but regardless of accuracy, usually served as pretty edifying to all involved. It doesn't hurt when everyone around you is willing to make tremendous deductive leaps.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> A good example of some bad information derived from one such Shamanic experience was the revelation that on an October day in 1993 (the exact day escapes me; surprising, given the magnitude of what was to occur) the Spirit of the Messiah was going to fall on the earth in a way that was going to cause the largest simultaneous "slay in the spirit" on the books. In fact, people were calling it "2nd Pant-ecost", as it was expected to trump the original events of the Otter's Book of Ax. People were cautioned against driving or leaving the house, as there would likely be rampant spirit-induced pile-ups, and thus, school was cancelled that day. Old Man insisted on taking advantage of the liberated roadways, and drove around like a man possessed. As any historian (who's more than likely a born-again Christian/Energy Healer) will recall, the SOTM did </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">not </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">fall as advertised, but there were belief-defying accounts coming in from all corners of the MJP compound about people miraculously being knocked unconscious after someone prayed over them asking God to miraculously knock them unconscious. It was all quickly forgotten. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Speaking of fright, a few minutes into the ceremony I started to feel a vicious heat without warmth gestating in my stomach, without really being in my literal stomach. My vision began to darken around the peripherals as the color of the room grew paler and paler and all of a sudden I had the distinct sensation that someone else was looking through my eyes. Rightfully terrified, with the distinct taste of sulfur and ash in my mouth, I turned on the woman who dared speak the name of the Messiah in my presence. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> "We are called Indignant and this place wreaks of the Blood! Fool woman, we were among the first defectors to follow the Morning Star into endless oblivion! We were inhabiting Kings of Old Earth before your line crawled out of the filth of Creation! We have served under Baal and El! We know curses older than the words of Christ! We have mastered evil that corrupts where your senses cannot follow! Do you believe that your God, apparently powerless or indifferent to evil will come to the aid of this boy faster than he who requires no convincing and bartering from the sun-burnt lips of man to display his contempt for life? Release us!" <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> I watched as the horned-up exorcist had an awful realization that somewhere down deep she had never </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">really</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> believed in demon possession. She enjoyed the mystery it lent to her life, and the fact that it's something you can engineer on children with fairly little resistance, because, again, she never actually had the faith required to believe that a real-life monster from the literal-locale Hell was ever going to, even proverbially, jump down her throat. Needless to say, this little outburst shook her sense of reality to the foundation. Reacting as anyone might, she immediately did what could be described as falling into a reverse crab walk directly into a row of desks and on towards the door. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Fifteen years later, the demons and I would look back and laugh. It is my hope and prayer for this book that my anecdotal dismantling of slow moving targets will eventually generate some profit in my life.</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center;line-height:150%; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-size:14.0pt; line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-23513297673367507012010-11-07T14:16:00.000-08:002010-11-07T14:21:55.332-08:00NON-NOVEL BONUS CONTENT: AFTERMATH OF FEW TOUGH CALLS<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Palatino;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 24px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">http:/</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 24px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">/www.xtranormal.com/watch/7589205</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975505494869117135.post-65483801445445878162010-11-07T13:40:00.000-08:002010-11-07T13:57:29.549-08:001. INTRODUCTION, IF ONLY BY VIRTUE OF THIS CHAPTER'S NON-ARBITRARY LINEAR PLACEMENT.<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">To Whom It May Concern:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Included is my proposal for the hypothetical video game, "Bed Bug<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Mountain." The following is a broad treatment, more characters and<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">a "tighter" wrap up for the "restaurant sequence" are in production as<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">of this date. The following synopsis is written in the voice of the<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">game's protagonist, a drug addled naturalist named _____. I eagerly<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">await any feedback you may have, and am always available to field<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">any technical queries.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height: 150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="margin-left:107.0pt;text-align:center; text-indent:-107.0pt;line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">BED BUG MOUNTAIN: FIRST TREATMENT<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Unfortunately, Mr. _____ thinks, countless times a day the philosopher animal is faced with the dilemma of designating something as sacred or meaningless. It's fallen to us, as a race, not to merely exist and interact with the world as a physical place, he observes, but as one in which every material object is laden with spiritual abstractions, typically pertaining to us, and the things we should or shouldn't be doing with our parts. As the singing, dancing consciousness of the world, humanity can't help but revel in the assumption that the birds of the air sing solely to remind them of life's patented, antiquated, reality-based joys, he posits. Likewise, the, mostly hypothetical, mountains dutifully do little-to-majestic-nothing in order to put a metaphorical face on our steadfastness, perseverance, long-suffering or any other number of laudable, distinctly male human traits. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _____ removes his shirt and wonders what collective life-lesson will be gleaned from the inevitable bed-bug invasion. Will we be willing to realize that a colony existence of thoughtless duty and systemic flesh-eating is the universe's gentle admonishment that we must do whatever necessary to abolish our obsession with existential individuality? Will we take a quiet moment to brush them from our eyes and reflect on how traumatic conception is really just nature's still, small voice telling us that we didn't invent sexual violence after all? The ancient insects, Mr. _____ suspects, have maintained those mountains and cultivated those wild flowers in order to lure us up to where our size advantage is neutralized by the absence of a swift escape route, and chances are we'll ascend in thin numbers so as to capitalize on a little one-on-one time with nature's proverbial wisdom. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _____ is not one easily transported by themes, though he recognizes that the chief function of his compromised mind is finding the sacred in-between the fluctuating limits of animatronics. Mr. _____ comes to the conclusion that the lack of a natural environment has contributed to this. Very few of the spaces he inhabits bear the resemblance of anything that has existed for very long in a human vacuum, and the spaces designed to evoke that state strike him as acutely tragic. Even if said environs are designed by specialists, or scientists, or standard-issue authenticity-regulators (always wearing immaculately re-enacted get-ups of the visionary authenticity-regulators from the golden age of authenticity-regulation), they cannot escape the parody of the parking-lot and gift shop. Since, he reasons, people generally hate living the way they do, they put a disproportionate density of faith in the inherent power of nature and travel, subsequently thinking that if they can but just graze the hem of the robe, they'll leave a little less intoxicated by progress than they were when they planned that hike. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. _____ removes his pants and does not think about his recent employment at a rainforest-themed nightmare. He does not reminisce on unloading unsolicited, non-ordinary, potentially-true facts about the rainforest on people while they try to order plaster buckets of ice tea. He proceeds to not think about lying to kids. He sits ape-like, oblivious to how many young people that passed through the nightmare's befuddlingly Caribbean gates he instilled with an enduring fascination with the natural world. He does not share the glory with the, long-extinct, lockjaw gorilla or the regal, yet suicidal-looking, cheetah. More likely than a cynicism concerning the drudgery of eating out, he unknowingly instilled in countless a wide-eyed wonder for wild, open spaces. Mr. _____ contemplates that as you get older your tastes and criteria for an appropriate approximation may improve, but it doesn't change the fact that, more often than not, most don't mind purchasing a fatally-edited synonym. Shielding his rapidly burning face from the epileptic glint of a million sparkling ice-tea buckets, Mr. _____ thinks, "There is something to be said for the fact that the places where we choose to consume often end up emitting messages not too dissimilar from own values." Under the influence of mild hallucinogens, as he is wont to do, Mr. _____ anthropomorphizes the restaurants scattered like satellite debris across the unknowable green-like depths of the valley:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">"I long for kinder, simpler times when women were 'Ma'am' and men were 'Honey" and you could sit in a rocking chair and, for once, actually take your time digesting and thinking back on the hearty meal that was just lovingly hand-crafted just for you by a sweaty-browed farmer's daughter up to her elbows in biscuit flour." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">"I care about protecting endangered ecosystems."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">"I value that every neighborhood should have sort of a, I don't know, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">common</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> place. Or public square. Somewhere where on any given night you can just walk in and know that there will be someone there that not only knows your name, but knows </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">. They don't mind when you bring in an entire baseball team full of kids drunk on victory with their kind-eyed, dock-working papas and the papa's wholesome fire-fighting boyfriends in tow. In fact, last year's championship trophy is right up there above the bar next to the photos of dead cops."<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Mr. </span></span></span><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">_____ </span></span></span><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">thinks of himself as objective enough to acknowledge that </span></span></span><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">t</span></span></span><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">hese are all ideas commonly held by decent people everywhere, and that there's really nothing </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">intrinsically</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> wrong with finding yourself in ideological harmony with a place like that. He doesn't necessarily think it indicative of weak character or anything. It's possible, however, that over time, the process of becoming more and more accustomed to profit-driven ventures supplementing our lives with a little subconscious spiritual substance has driven our expectations way down, while subtlety inflating our expectations for what, you know, money can buy. For this reason, day-trips to parks he's always found particularly depressing. He dreads driving up to them, parking and then starting the walk across the parking lot to where the nature starts. As if he could be transported from the crushing mindlessness of automated living by virtue of a duck pond. Like a nature-themed restaurant where you can't buy anything. Losing his composure, he muses "There are no more </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">mystical </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">properties in de-contextualized nature than there are in looking a black hole in the face." <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Since most people have taken the angle in life of putting what they'd like to do at direct opposition to what they actually do, it really doesn't come as much of a surprise to Mr. _____ that most people don't identify the peril involved in slowly dying of diabetes and bed sores as being quite as severe as the peril posed by the possibility of being eaten by a mountain bed bug. If given the option, he wonders, what would closet boy choose? ("Closet boy" being the philosophical device in which a non-nurtured human lives in a soundproof, pitch-black closet until he's an adult who can proffer untainted, instinctual answers to hypothetical questions.) <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He contemplates his microscopic role in history. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> He wonders if technology will eventually abolish our dependence on physical bodies, and longs for his consciousnesses to abandon the physical world. Quickly boring himself, his physical body falls out of the tree at a non-uniform rate while his consciousness hopes theme-restaurant induced obesity might be an evolutionary step in this direction. "Evolution always takes prisoners." he says to the bed bugs.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> </span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Thank you for your consideration,<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="line-height: 150%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Mr. ___________</span></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:150%;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:.5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in 3.5in 4.0in 4.5in 5.0in 5.5in 6.0in; mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style=" line-height:150%;font-family:Palatino;mso-bidi-font-family:Palatino;font-size:14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->J. M. Tillmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03564822375535372753noreply@blogger.com