Sunday, February 6, 2011


Dear Sirs,

Herein you will find the as-promised second act of my on-going proposal for the hypothetical video game "Bed Bug Mountain." I have been under the weather, which has prevented me delivering this sooner, and I can only hope your enthusiasm for this project has not cooled. Again, please don't hesitate to contact me with any questions.


Mr. _________

P.S. I have re-printed my contact information below as I have recently purchased a new camera phone.


Mr. _____'s hike takes him ever higher past where casual hikers are supposed to turn around and hit the gift shop. With each pre-peak, the insect population becomes exponentially more bizarre. Bugs that look like three rotting strawberries stuck together with thumb tacks bumble menacingly across the gradually fading trail. As he finally nears the summit, delirious with joy, he begins to hear a low rumbling sound from directly above him, descending rapidly. Moments before he hoists himself up over the final crest, two bed bugs, whistling the traditional American Otter Pant, land, belabored with knick-knacks, on the peak, each one outfitted with a hulking, back-mounted carbine.

"Beautiful, isn't?" one of the bed bugs asks Mr. _____ "Look at the ocean. It's truly amazing how powerful and mysterious it looks from this vantage. Have you noticed how thin the air is up here? Every once in a while I'll just zip up here at lunch and eat a burger from one of the restaurants in the valley."

"Ah, yes, I have." says Mr. _____ wheezily.

"Quite a trip too. Though, I didn't think we'd make it before the sun went down. We got caught up at the gift shop." He shoots a look at his companion. "Looks like we're just in time for sunset. Sunset is my favorite." Arms full, the bed bugs look around distractedly. "Um, is there still a trash can up here? I don't really want to carry these knick-knacks around." He shoots another glance at his slow, quiet companion. "Actually, are you walking down soon? Would you mind? I kind of need both hands to fly this thing."

The bed bug unsaddles a hanker-chief made out of a salvaged burger wrapper, a commemorative ice-tea bucket from the rainforest-themed restaurant made out of a salvaged plaster bucket, a novelty stuffed animal made out of a salvaged sea-otter from a recent hit and run, a thermos made out of a salvaged battery casing, and an old-timey gold pan made out of a salvaged hub cab recovered from the scene of the aforementioned hit and run.

"I really can't carry all this back down the mountain."

"Sure you can!" says the bed bug.

The bed bug watches while Mr. _____ struggles with the knick-knacks and after a few minutes says, "You know what? We can just leave them here for now."

"You want to leave all these novelties up here on the top of this mountain?" Mr. _____ blurts incredulously.

"Sure, they're all made from salvaged materials. You know, "Reduce, Reuse." I just reduced the amount of worthless reusable crap I own. I feel really good." The bed bug stretches to demonstrate his newfound lightness of being.

"You didn't use these for anything!"

"Sure I did! I used them for buying. If you have to buy something, why not buy something made from something else? It's the responsible thing to do. Besides someone is going to come along here soon and put it all to good use."

"I haven't seen anyone up here all day except for you two."

"That's because you don't have a jet-pack on! I saw people flying up here all day. Though earlier, there were reports of a hairless, animatronic albino gorilla sitting in the trees a few miles down, so it wasn't as busy as usual. Anyway, you can go absolutely anywhere with one of these things. Look at the cup holder. Isn't that great? About the reusables: think about it in terms of a resource-driven economy. If some visionary theta-mortician in Israel needs an ice tea glass or a thermos for some non-profit rare blood-disease research, they shouldn't have to go crawling around begging for money when those sorts of things are just be lying around. They can just crawl up here. Or buy a jet pack. Oh! I forgot. You need both hands to fly a jet pack. They can crawl."

The sunset airbrushes the sky in vibrant and regal hues of orange and purple, respectively.

"What a regal orange tonight. I never get tired of seeing how God is going to use orange every night." He turns to Mr. _____. "You know, it's going to be dark soon. How did you plan on getting down?"

Mr. _____ realizes he has not considered this all day, as he has been considering living-in-the-now all day.

"Well, you'll never make it down alive now. I have just the thing for you to re-use."

"I think the experience as a whole will be more rewarding if I just walk." Mr. _____ earnestly protests.

"No, no. It's too cold up here at night. I'd know, I had my last birthday party up here and people were freezing. It was really great though. Here, put this on." The bed bug unbuckles his companion's jet-pack, puts it down by Mr. ______, gathers up his companion with both hands, and flies down the mountain. Moments later, they return briefly for the hub-cab.